As you lay down - Destiel

Heart Out - 18

I'm just looking at Dean. The one person in the world that he loves has forgotten him. Meaning that he's forgotten all the emotions he has for him. And if he's forgotten the life that took him to this point, he might never fall in love with him again. 

"We're your friends Cas, you've been with us for a few years now, remember?" I think that Dean understood what I just thought about as well. You can see something crash inside of him if you look close enough in his eyes. 

Suddenly it's like something in Cas wakes up "Winchester brothers, correct?" 

I nod at him "Yes, Cas. We are" 

"And you" he points at Dean "I saved you"

Dean just nods quietly. I feel so bad for him. 

"As you barely know us, this might sound very strange. But we can take you home if you'd like that?" I ask Cas, my mind is just blowing up. 

Cas squints his eyes "Home, like heaven?" 

I shake my head "No, you aren't an angel anymore. Well, apparently you have some angelic features now but overall, you're human"

He's just looking very confused and I can relate "Okay" he replies. 

We go out to the car, sadly not the Impala as that's still home and suddenly something flashes in Cas eyes. 

"You okay, Cas?" I ask, eyes still on the road. No fucking mistakes this time. 

"Your parents, are they sick?" 

Our parents? "No, they're dead...why?" 

"It's like I've been getting these feelings or hints of what has happened. Not too much but like basic things. Like your parents' state"

"Okay" I turn to look at Sammy, he just shrugs his shoulders "Anything else you've had a feeling about?" 

"Have I ever been possessed?" Cas asks. Oh boy. 

"Uhm...Yes?" 

"Because Chuck told me a little bit, about the entire angel - demon situation and from that, I've started to make a map in my head about my life" 

"Well, that's good. Isn't it?" 

"Yeah, I remember most of my angel life now. But I'm struggling with the human part"

"Oh... It will probably come soon enough" 

Sam is looking at me, I wonder if he can see what I'm feeling. He has a tendency to be able to do that with people. I'm not sure how or since when but he does. At times that makes me scared because I know that he cares about me and the times where I was deeper than the pacific ocean and he must have seen it. I feel sorry for him having to be my brother. 

When we get home Sammy immediately passes out onto his bed. I really wish he didn't because that leaves me alone with Cas. Well, not really Cas. Cas without...Cas. I'm not sure if he sleeps anymore. Is that one of the angelic features he got back? 

"So Cas...How are you feeling?" I ask him when we're sitting on the couch. 

He shifts his position and says "I don't know, tired. But not sleepy"

I take a deep breath "So what do you know about me so far. Or what do you feel about me?" 

Cas shakes his head "Definitely not the same way I feel about your brother. I don't know, it's like I have one sort of connection with Sam, and I feel really comfortable with that. But with you, it's like I'm happy but also a little nervous. I can't define it" 

"But you remember me?" I say and squint my eyes. 

"Yeah, we'll most of you. From when I was an angel. The human connection is so much more difficult. But the impacts that you had on me as a human, I think I can feel that?"

I'm so confused "Huh?"

"It's like you did not only leave a mental mark on me but some sort of physical mark"

"That doesn't make any sort of sense but I'll just roll with it" 

We sit like that talking for a while. Going into subjects like music and books. I don't want to overwhelm him with emotional stuff or what we used to have. He'll have to find that out on his own. It turns out that some of his angelic features he's got are being able to hear prayers, he's less likely to get physically wounded and also a way of reading people. Not in the way Sam can do it but like when he knew that I didn't think I deserved to be saved. I still don't. 

Soon enough, Cas falls asleep. I really don't want to wake him up, the latest time must a been a horror story for him. This couch must be uncomfortable for him. As well at it is for me now, as he's fallen down on my legs. Son of a bitch. Should I be calling God a bitch? Probably not. Sorry Chuck. But I can't move now because then he'll wake up. And I can also feel me sinker deeper and deeper into the couch. 

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4:23 AM is what the clock displays. I can feel a warmth on my back. I try to remember what has happened, but I can't. I was an angel and then...Oh, yeah, right. But how about yesterday? Hospital, car, home. Okay, I think I got it. Though I can't seem to be able to turn around. I look to my side and find myself stuck between two legs. Deans? I tilt my head as much backwards as I possibly can. And before I hit his stomach with my head I can see his face. Why does this situation feel so familiar? Something I did as a human? For a brief second, I get a glimpse of us watching a movie. I hold on the thought for as long as possible and manage to create an imaginary red thread that takes me to the next memory. I'm asleep and so is Dean. My head laying on his shoulder/chest. Sam's not there. He seems to be in the kitchen. 

I smile. I still don't know why I'm so happy. I'll have to ask either Sam or Dean tomorrow. But right now, I'm just enjoying what I have.