As you lay down - Destiel

If I believe you - 2

Waking up, I realise that my back is really sore. A couch is apparently not the best place to sleep on. I also see that I have a blanket over me that I didn't put on. It was probably Sam. I look at the clock, it shows 5:30 AM. I don't really have to get up but I don't think that I can go back to sleep either. Being the only one awake in the bunker makes it seem hollow. When there are no sounds of pages flipping, people walking or even just small taps on the table from Dean when he's bored. He does that sometimes, keep a rhythm when he's bored. It usually only goes like 1, 2, 1, 2, 1, 2 but sometimes he changes it. 

I pace around in the living room for a bit and stretch my back. I try to make as little noise as possible as I assume the Winchesters still are asleep. Just as I think that I hear footsteps coming from the hallway.

"Hi Cas, how are you?" A groggy Sam says while rubbing his eyes. 

"I'm good thanks, did I wake you up?" I ask.

"Yeah, kind of. But it's cool. Need to get some breakfast anyways" Sam yawns.

"Okay, well I'm going to take a shower" 

"Sounds good, I'll be in the kitchen if you need anything"

"Why would I need anything while I'm showering?" 

"Just get in the shower already" Sam laughs a little. 

I make my way down to the bathroom and walk past Dean's door. Some quiet snores can be heard as well as him turning in the bed. For once, you can't hear him speaking about Sam while he's sleeping. When I first met him and heard him while he was sleeping, it wasn't that bad. But as time moved in it got worse. When Dean got the Mark of Cain he started yelling after Sam in his sleep, making me and Sam run into his room. But he was just having nightmares. After he turned demon you couldn't hear anything. Because he didn't sleep. But after he got turned back human again he started yelling again. About two weeks after it went back to frequent quiet ones. I will admit that I'm worried about him. I'm always worried about him and Sam with the life they live. And now even more. I was supposed to protect them but I turned human. 

As I enter the bathroom I notice that there still are some pieces of a broken mirror left on the floor. I carefully pick them up and put them in the bin. When I told Dean I turned human, he really seemed to be ok with it. Everything was perfectly fine. A few hours later Sam called me and told me what Dean had done. I was too ashamed to return back to them so I couldn't do anything but experience a whole bunch of self-loathing. Two days later I got the courage to return home but Dean hasn't treated me the same since. I've really started questioning if Dean only liked me as an angel. But I have been human before, so I don't understand why it would be different this time. The only thing that is different this time, we all know I will never turn back. And no angel could heal the pain of this, the only person that could do so would be Chuck, who is absent again. Some people believe he's dead, others think he's still figuring things out with his sister but I don't know what to believe

The shower is quite nice and steamy. It really eases the pain in the back. I get the sudden urge to draw a smile on the shower door. Humans really seem to enjoy showers and get certain "shower thoughts" which I've heard are deep thoughts. I don't understand how showers would make your thoughts any different. My thoughts seem to stay the same wherever I am at least. I still like showers, they are relaxing and you get the chance to create bubbles. 

I wash my hair and exit the shower. My hair looks like a mess. I put my jeans, flannel, and socks on, I can't be bothered with getting the trenchcoat in the library for now. My stomach growls. Oh yeah, hunger. I hang the towel up and get  going to the kitchen. Sam looks up when I enter the room. 

"Hey" Sam says.

"Hello" I reply.

"So how was the shower?" Sam asks as he takes a sip out of his coffee.

"Quite nice, is it normal to get the urge to draw on the shower door while showering?" 

"I suppose" Sam chuckles.

I open the fridge to find a whole bunch of beer and some eggs. I grab the frying pan and put it on the stove. The eggs come along as well. 

"Hey, Sam. How do you do this?" I ask, a little embarrassed over the fact that I don't even know how to make scrambled eggs properly. 

"It's like, well, you, you know what? I can make it for you. You should sit down." He replies. 

I sit down because honestly, I am a little tired. And just as I do that, Dean enters the room. 

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The smell of eggs and coffee makes me enter the kitchen. I see Sam the stove with some eggs. 

"Eggs for breakfast, yeah!" I say.

" I was actually making them for Cas but I think there will be some left for you."  Sam says. 

I turn around and see Cas sitting on a chair.

"Oh, hey Cas" I say. 

"Hello, Dean" Cas replies. 

There is an awkward silence. Ever since Cas turned human I have been both worried and angry. Turning human is killing him. I'd rather have Cas as an alive angel than to have him as a dead human. Also, people are praying to him. Hell, I've prayed to him a couple of times. He let those people down. Claire probably doesn't know. I mean she has his number but in an emergency, praying could save her life. And I know that it isn't his fault, he didn't choose this. But he knew the risks of going out into the battlefield. I tried to warn him, Sam tried to warn him, even Crowley tried to warn him. But the bastard went all in and got his mojo stripped away. He's so much more vulnerable now. I already have to look after Sammy and now Cas as well. Not that I didn't look after him before but an angel that is about 3.9 billion years old and can't get killed by much else than an angel blade is really not as vulnerable as a 42 years old human being that just recently started taking part in life on earth. 

"The eggs are done!" Sam breaks the silence and makes me flinch a little. 

"You know what, I think I'll just have a beer instead. The last time you made me eggs I got the flu" I say. 

"Hah, suit yourself, then" Sam says while putting some eggs down on a plate for Cas. 

I grab a beer and head down to the couch. I sit down and notice all the wrinkles after Cas slept here. There is still a faint warmth from him. I put my feet up on the table and sigh. I'm still tired and I haven't really changed. I should probably do some research about what's going on today but since practically all angels are fighting with demons there isn't much I can do. That's too dangerous, even for me. And if anything happens to Cas while I'm gone I'd probably end up blaming myself. As I already am. For letting Cas away, for not talking to Chuck and for my mum. I swore I saw her after I came back from talking to Amara and I haven't been seeing her where she isn't since I was a little kid. I open my beer to get away the thoughts about my mother. Sam has been suggesting I should go to her grave and actually talk to her as I haven't done that. I am rarely at her gravestone at all. Sammy tends to go but the last time I was there was before my encounter with Amara and before that it has been years. 

I quickly finish my beer in attempts to clear my head and head to my room. Sam sees me and I give him a quick wave with my hand. It isn't so much of a wave but a raise of my hand. He replies with a nod and continues talking to Cas. He was very quick with being okay with the entire human thing. I am trying to get there, I really am. I know that I can't affect this situation at all so I might as well just get used to it. 

I enter my room and sit down on the bed. 

"Hey Chuck, look I don't even know if you can hear this with Amara and the war going on but I have nowhere else to turn. I don't know if you know what happened to Castiel but I am worried about him. Do you know if he'll be okay? Or can you heal him or something? I know that I never trusted the fact that you're real, but I have decided that I believe you. So please Chuck, help him"