As you lay down - Destiel

Heart out - 20

But, no. 

I lay my forehead down on his shoulder and say "Cas, no"

Cas shifts backwards so he can look into my eyes. "What do you mean?" 

I sigh "You're high, okay? We can do all of this when you're not" 

"But... This is me. High or not"

"No, you're a version of yourself with a different brain so to speak"

"Can we return here when the buzz is over?" 

"Sure"

We finish driving home and are met by Sam in the doorway. He looks relieved as soon as he sees Cas. Like his shoulders just drop down. 

"Hey, Cas. How are you?" Sam asks. Oh no. 

"Well, I'm feeling happy. You?" Cas replies. This is not going to go well. 

"Pretty good" Then Sam tilts his head to the side and asks "What's that smell?"

Yeah, no. Sam can't find out about this. So I say "You probably left your cookies in the oven" giving me a strange look from Sam before I drag Cas away from there and into his room. Sam just got relieved, I don't want to worry him again. 

Cas sits down on his bed. I can't tell if he's tired. How tired does he even get now? At least he can sit upright so he can't be too tired, but that could also be the buzz. I feel like he should really just sleep now. I mean it's not really late or anything but I don't want him to do stupid shit again. 

This room still brings back memories of Kevin. The things I would do to get him back. He didn't deserve to go. He should have stayed. Kevin never wanted to hurt anyone. He never even wanted this life. Everything was normal until we had to drag him with us. He could have gone places, brilliant in school and everything. Why did he have to go? Why did I have to go and ruin him? 

"Dean, are you okay?" Cas asks with a concerned look on his face.

"What? Oh, yeah, yeah. Uhm, yeah I'm fine" I say, a bit surprised from how quickly he pulled me out of my thoughts. 

I thought I did a pretty good job in covering that up but then he says "There is no point in lying to people with angelic powers" 

Ah, fuck. "Okay, whatever. I'm not fine. Big deal" 

"What's bothering you?"

"What is this? A therapy session?" 

"No, but I would suggest you getting one"

"Okay...shut up" 

I know that Cas is just caring for me but that's not necessarily what I'm in need of at the moment. Or maybe I am. I don't know. I just want Cas to sleep so that I can talk to him tomorrow when he isn't all buzzed up. But I really don't think that's going to happen. 

"What's your favourite song?" Cas asks. 

"Why do you wonder?" I ask. Why the fuck would he just burst out with a question like that? Like, just...why? I'm so confused. Okay, it's a question about songs Dean, stop overreacting. 

"Just curious" 

"Well, it's either Ramble On or Traveling Riverside Blues. Both by Led Zeppelin"

"Oh, okay. That's nice" 

"Yours?" I ask. Is this called small talk? I don't think that I'm very good at it. 

"I don't know. Music, in general, is incredible" 

Oh great, now he has become philosophical as well. Yup, definitely time for him to go to sleep. 

"You know what Cas, why don't you sleep a little?" I suggest. 

"I'm not tired"

"No, but sleeping helps to heal you. And I think you might be a little drained. So how about it?" I ask. I really don't think he's going to say yes to this but it's worth a shot. 

"But I don't want to sleep"

Here we go "Cas, please?" I ask him. 

"But I want to talk to you?" 

"Fine, then talk" 

Cas goes quiet for a second and then says "I don't know what to talk about"

"Exactly. Nothing is happening anymore. We used to have demons, supernatural things. They're all gone now. So we have nothing to do. I'm going mad over here. I have no idea how on earth I survived an entire year" 

"Dean, I don't know how to fix that"

That's when I realise something about Cas. He's always trying to fix everything. Like at the hospital, when he wanted to fix our family. Or down at the lake when he wanted to fix us. So I say "Cas, you don't have to keep on fixing things" 

"But...I want to fix things" 

"Yes, but you don't have to. There is no pressure on you to do so" 

"Then what's my purpose, Dean?" Cas asks. Oh shit, this is getting deep. 

"I don't know your purpose. In the beginning, it was for you to save me. Then you did. For some reason, you also stuck around, followed Sam and me. All I know is that I was fucking terrified of you at first because you were something new. Then we got to know you and you dropped the soldier deal. You may have had some issues, you know, thinking you were god and everything. But you have always been there for us. Like a friend, or...something else. So maybe your purpose isn't a necessary thing to know as long as you can live the way you want to. Because my doing so, you will stumble across your purpose. One way or another. 

"Have you found your purpose?" 

"I don't know. Since I was young I've always tried to protect Sammy, still am. But I feel like there are other things that I also have to do. I can't put a name on everything but it feels like they are out there somewhere. So I just try to live until I find them. And if I don't, maybe they weren't my issue after all" 

"Dean?" 

"Yes?" 

"I'm gonna sleep now"

And as he says that he closes his eyes. I sigh as Cas starts to snore. He's fucking unbelievable. But I kinda like that about him. 

I close his door and take a deep breath. This is probably where some normal person would feel relaxed as everything is over. But that's exactly my problem. I need things to be messy. I need to have a kill. I'm going nuts. Like actually crazy. Just one kill. One fucking kill.