As you lay down - Destiel

Robbers - 16

A week went by so fast. Time has never moved so quickly. Or maybe I was just in a constant blur. I am not sure. Still, I did my best to stay content for Cas. But when you can't phantom something it's just nothingness. 

The last couple of days Sam has been here as well, 24 hours a day. I've been praying like crazy. To every holy creature existing. Even Lucifer and Michael. Nobody is answering. It's just nothing. Cas is going to go out by something human. Because of me. He doesn't deserve it. I have been trying to think of it as him being able to get rest. But I'm too selfish to see that. I just want him to stay. 

You can notice how thin Cas is now. He rarely eats anymore. The nurses say that's normal. They don't understand. Cas has been an angel of the lord, this is not his way. He should die heroic, long-lived. Not by some idiotic car crash. 

These last couple of days he has been trying to stay positive, which just makes this even more depressing. We all know what's going to happen. I know what I'm going to lose. That I can't do shit about it and that it will kill me. It will. I'm not sure how I will handle it. Normally I'd just bury myself in work. But I don't have any fucking work! I have never had to cope like this before. I'm going to end up dying. 

-----------------------------------

Everything hurts. The morphine that they have given me eases the pain a little, but I can feel it. And the mental pain is unbearable. They can't do anything about that. This is not the way I thought that I would go out. I don't blame Dean for it. He couldn't have known. But I know that he blames himself. I don't want him to. I don't want to have to die while knowing that he's doing that.

Sam is a little more sane about this. I appreciate that. Maybe it was because he wasn't in the incident or because I don't have the exact same connection to him. But it makes me feel a bit better. Which is what I need right now. 

For the past days, I've been thinking back to my life a lot. Especially with the Winchesters and Claire. She's on her way here. As soon as I got into the hospital Dean contacted her. She couldn't come, though, after all, I am her dad's vessel and she would have to watch him die. But four days ago she texted Dean saying that she had to come. A certain memory I've gone back a lot to is when me, Charlie, Sam and Dean were doing some research. We were all very happy. It also makes me think that maybe I have a chance of meeting her in heaven as well. Kevin might be there too. I'm not sure what my heaven looks like, nor if heaven is functioning correctly at all. That could be fun to find out. 

-------------------------------------------------

Dean has stopped pacing around "She's here" he says to me. 

"I'll go out and get her"

I walk out into the lobby and see Claire with her hair braided up on one side of her head. She's looking very...lost. I pull her into a hug and she hugs me back. I love her so much. Claire is an incredible human being. 

"So, how is he?" She asks and I can see the sadness on her face.

"He's really trying to stay positive, but it's heart-breaking. You wanna see him?" 

"Yeah. I have to" 

I put my hand on her back and we walk back into Cas room. Claire almost takes a step back when she sees him. She places her hands over her mouth. And goes "Oh my god, Cas"

Cas smiles "Hello, Claire " 

"Damn it Cas. Why did you?" 

"Claire, it's okay. Calm down" 

I look over at Dean. He's been very angry over Cas telling us to calm down. But right now he doesn't say anything. I guess that makes sense as his boyfriend is about to die. 

Cas turns his face towards Dean "Can I speak to you alone for just a minute?" 

I put my arm around Claire and we walk out. I feel like it was for the best anyways as she is starting to cry. 

------------------------------------

"Dean, I know you said that I was going to fight and trust me, I really did. But today it's over, they're going to pull the plug. Can you accept that?" 

I shake my head "I will never accept this. But I can't do anything. I can't act on this. I don't know what you want me to say"

Cas closes his eyes "I want you to say that it's okay for me to let go when it's time"

The words I have dreaded ever since I found out what is going to happen to him. Let go. No, he can't let go. Letting go means it's over. But it's bound to happen. It's life and it's death. So I say "Cas, you know very well I'm never going to say those words. This situation is killing me. But yes, I will let you rest. No matter how much I fucking hate it"

Cas opens his eyes "Dean..."

I just walk over to him and kiss him. I don't want him to go. My tears are dripping down on his face, mixing with his own ones. Then I fall into a hug with him. He can't go. He doesn't deserve to go. 

Time moves on and a couple of hours later a knock on the door is heard. I walk over to open it. 

It's a nurse. No. Fuck no. "It's time"

I am going to puke. I just nod lightly. They can't do anything else. I can't do anything else. And all of this is my fault. 

The nurse speaks to Cas but I've blocked everything out. I just feel Sam hugging me. I don't know what Claire is doing. I don't know what Cas is doing. I don't hear anything. I don't see anything. But suddenly I'm drawn back into the cold reality. 

Cas coughs "Dean, Sam, Claire. You were the best people I have ever known. Claire, I know we haven't known each other for very long but what you have done for yourself and others is incredible. I'm sorry for taking your father away. He was a great man and he loves you. I'll make sure to tell him what a beautiful and intelligent woman you have become. He's proud of you. Sam, you helped me through a lot of things. And recently you've really been there for me, treated me normally. I appreciate that. You are so wise and so fantastic. If anybody can figure this entire thing out with Midgard, it's you. I don't have the words to describe how great you are. But no matter what happens I want you to remember that you are a good man. You deserve this life and the happiness with it. And Dean, I'm grateful for this last year. You've changed me for the better. When I first met you I was an arrogant angel, so full of myself. You made me human, I got emotions. I fell in love with you. Having experienced love in that form has been the high of my life. Don't blame yourself for this. I won't be able to rest knowing that you're doing that. Please, can you do that for me? I love you, Dean" 

I think I'm shaking. Now all of us are crying. I want to walk over to him but I can't move my legs. So Sammy pushes me forward. All of us hugging. Though I can barely feel anything. Then we pull away. We still all stand around the bed. 

"Take care of each other now, okay?" 

Cas takes a deep breath then nods at the nurse. She does something. 1, 2, 1, 2, 1, 2, 1, 2, nothing. Just a beep. A constant beep. I'm not breathing. Then I am. I'm hyperventilating. 

"CAS!" I cry out desperately. I can't move. He isn't either. The nurse shuts his eyes. Sammy hugs me tightly. 

"He's gone! He's fucking gone, Sammy! Why is he gone?" I cry into his shoulder.

Sam is crying as well "I know Dean, I know" he sounds so broken. 

He's gone.