As you lay down - Destiel

M.O.N.E.Y - 12

The pizza was pretty good. I suppose the cheese wasn't the best but overall I liked it. I can't help but think that maybe I shouldn't have asked Cas to go to the bar with me. But at the same time, I need to know that I can act normal around him in those situations because if I can't, I don't know how I'm ever going to be able to do anything with him again. What if I just fuck everything up? No, come on, you can do this! Okay, now you need to fall asleep. I turn over and look at the clock, 1:30 AM. I wonder if Cas still is up. He probably isn't. I bet he's asleep like everything is normal. Something I can't tell myself, because, to me, it isn't. Everything is upside down, inside out. Not normal in any way. I can't seem to pull myself together. I just want to fall asleep. 

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Waking up I actually feel...excited? Why? Then I remember that I'm going to the bar with Dean. Fuck. It's nothing special Castiel, get it together. It's just a normal friendship thing to him, you're just overreacting because of your feelings. I wish I was an angel again, everything would be so much easier but then again, I'd have to watch the Winchesters die and I don't think that I could handle that at this point. 

I look at myself in the dirty mirror. You can see some clear bags under my eyes. I slept so badly last night, I have for a while now. That might be because I never slept as an angel so therefore I might not be used to it. I take a deep breath and exit the room. Sam is sitting in the library reading a book with a cup of coffee, he gives me a quick nod and I nod back. That's basically 45% of the ways we greet each other nowadays. Nods or hand gestures. It's nice, sometimes I don't feel like I have to effort to speak. 

Dean stays in his room all day. He does that sometimes so I don't really mind. But at the same time, I do. Dean always worries me because I care for him. I know that he can handle himself but still, he can get himself in so much trouble. Always sacrificing himself to save other people and all of that. He can be problematic at times but I still love him.  Fuck, no that's not where I wanted to go with this. The opposite way. Make a U-turn. 

Dean doesn't even come out for lunch so it's just me and Sam who are eating some of the leftover pizza. 

"Have you found anything interesting?" I ask as he's done nothing but read the past couple of weeks. 

"Not really" He shrugs his shoulders "But I have to do something to keep myself occupied, or I'll just end up like Dean"

"Do you know what's up with him?" I ask, squinting my eyes. 

"I believe it's the hunting when Dean doesn't have anything to do he ends up like that. Needs to be occupied. So it's a good thing you're going out tonight, I think he needs it" Sam says and continues in his book while I continue my pizza. That's probably all that Dean wanted, to keep himself occupied. 

Around 7 Dean finally comes out of his room, I don't ask what he's been doing all day as I assume he doesn't want to share it. He's a very private and isolated person, at least around me. I'm not sure if it's the same with Sam. 

"So, you coming?" Dean asks.

"Yeah" 

It's pretty cold outside, but I don't mind. The walk isn't even that far. Well, at least that's what Dean has told me, I've never actually been there myself. I notice that Dean is rubbing his arms like he's freezing. 

Fuck he's pretty "You should have brought a sweater, Dean!" I say to him and he smiles at me. 

Dean shakes his head and says "Shut up" in a sarcastic tone. I hate it when he smiles at me. I hate it because I don't. I don't hate his smile. I don't hate anything about him. He has his flaws, yes, but I don't hate anything about him. 

We get into the bar that I probably would have found nice if it wasn't for the smell. The smell is awful. I can't believe Dean goes here so often. 

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And so we're here. I look at Cas who is scrunching his nose, he almost makes me laugh. 

"Don't worry, you'll get used to it" 

Cas just closes his eyes and says "After about 500 drinks yes I will be" 

This isn't going well so far. I'll have to get drunk or something. So I walk up to Henry. 

"Dean! Good to see you!" Henry says, happy as always. "So this is your friend I suppose?" He says and turns to look at Cas. 

"Yes, that's Cas. Now, I have a challenge for myself that you'll have to help me with" 

Henry leans over a little bit and says "And what could that be?" 

"Get me drunk" 

"Without killing you from alcohol poisoning? Dean, you can drink a pile of alcohol and still be sober. But fine, just know that your death isn't on my hands, so don't come back and haunt me"

Cas is looking slightly uncomfortable so I punch him lightly on his arm and say "Hey, this is gonna be okay" 

Two hours later and this is not going okay. Both Cas and I are pretty drunk and people have started hitting on him. He isn't uncomfortable anymore so that's good. But all those girls, no. Getting drunk just made me realise how beautiful Cas is, in every way possible. His hands, his eyes, his hair. I'm not sure what part of sober me is speaking and what part of drunk me is speaking. But I love Cas. Also, I don't want to be in here anymore. I tap Cas on the shoulder and tell him that I want to go outside. He follows me outside. Coming outside I realise that I don't want to go home just yet so we go to the back and sit on a container of sand. I'm almost surprised it doesn't break. 

November is cold, but I like it. I place my head on Cas shoulder and he doesn't seem to mind. We just sit like that for a while. Then I look Cas directly in his eyes, something I haven't done in a while. 

I sigh "We should get going" 

"I guess"

We start walking back but as we reach the corner I stop. This is probably the drunkest I will be in a while. And I am with Cas. I am so sure this is the drunk side of me talking but I don't fucking care. I love him. 

Cas looks at me confused and asks "Dean what are you doing, why have you stopped?" I look at him. This might be one of the things I'll regret doing the most in my life, but I kiss him. I can just feel his lips for a second before he pulls away. Fuck. 

But then he enters again. He tastes of alcohol and pizza. His lips are chapped but I don't care. I push him against the wall and I push my body against his. He's everything I want. My tongue is just gently touching his teeth and everything feels amazing. Fuck I love him. 

I move down towards his neck. Leaving traces where my mouth has been. I can hear Cas saying "Fuck, Dean" a couple of times. After a while, I just stop and look at the ground smiling and shaking me head. 

"We should really get going Cas, Sam is still at home" 

Cas smiles at me and says "Yeah come on" 

I kiss him one last time, but this time just gently. I love everything at this moment. I love him.