As you lay down - Destiel

Facedown - 23

Oh god. Sometimes talking isn't the best alternative. Why can't people just let it be? Did The Beatles really teach them nothing? I take a deep breath and sit down in front of Castiel. This is the first time in a very long time I've called him that. I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing.

"What?" I ask and shift my hands a little.

"Yesterday, remember?" 

I start tapping on the table and say "Yes, why?" 

Cas closes his eyes and asks "What do you want to do about it?"

"What is there to do about it, Cas?" I ask and stop the tapping. 

"I don't know, Dean. You're the person with the most memory of us"

I sigh. The thought of that breaks my heart every time, him not remembering what we had. "If you don't remember, what were you thinking in that moment?" 

"Even though I don't remember it, doesn't mean I can't feel it. It's like you have done things to my soul. To my grace. You have become a part of it. So whatever you have done to me in any time, will have a memory at some place. It's just that I can't reach the memory"

What the fuck have I done? Have I marked him? Jesus christ. "What are you saying?" I ask. 

Cas blinks a couple of times and looks down at the table. His eyes are following the wooden lines of it. Then he replies by saying "I'm saying that whatever we have ever done, I still have the feelings of"  

Oh, fuck. I have to do this."Cas, I want to show you something. It might help you remember" 

--------------------------------------------

I have no idea where Dean wants us to go. I'm also mildly concerned about him not telling Sam that we're leaving. But Dean says that's fine so I'll just have to trust him. Sometimes I worry that I trust him so blindly. Maybe that's because of what I'm feeling or maybe it's completely something else. For some reason, I've just found that Dean is a safe person. 

We don't go the car, though. So we're going somewhere close? Or we're gonna walk for a really long time. I hope it's the first option as the fall weather has made the temperature drop. I think Dean feels the same way as he's shivering a little bit. 

After a while, we're at the bar. I have no idea what we're doing here. Are they even open at this time of the day? I don't think they are.  What could Dean possibly wanna do here? I watch as his breaths form little clouds in the air. I don't know if he's going to speak or not, or what he's going to do at all. We just stand there for a little while. I'm too nervous to say anything, I can actually feel how my heart is pounding. 

Then Dean starts walking. I assume that I'm supposed to follow so that's what I do. He walks around the building and to a green sandbox that's standing against the wall. He sits on top of it and places his head in between his hands. 

"Do you remember this?" He asks me. 

"I don't. But I do feel something strong about this place, I just can't place my finger on it" 

I really do. It's like I'm getting restless from being here. And really happy. Something powerful must have happened to me here. I don't know what that would be. 

"Can you sit with me, Cas?" Dean asks me. It's almost like his voice is breaking. 

"Is the box going to be able  to take both of us?" I ask back. 

Dean laughs a little. It's one of those sad laughs he has. "Trust me, I've asked myself that question before and it can"

I jump on top of the box next to him. It's just us two sitting there, in the morning air. Everything is really quiet. I can actually hear Dean breathing and he's usually a really quiet breather. 

"What happened here?" I ask. 

Dean smiles to himself and says "A start" 

I tilt my head a little bit and ask "What started?" 

He takes a deep breath and says "The start of us, Cas. We started here" 

"No, we didn't we started when I dragged you out of hell" 

"Oh for fucks sake Cas" 

Dean turns his head towards me and kisses me. And then comes a flood of memories. Dean with his girlfriend. Annabeth. Me falling. Hospital. Dean. Dean breaking up with Annabeth. I made that happen. Then we're back at home again. Then we're at a bar. Then this very sandbox. Kissing. Dean going down my neck. Then we almost crash a car. We're at Mary's grave. Dean talks about what she's missed. Then it's very peaceful. Dean and I are having a good time with Sam and things seem to be going ok. Then I'm in the Impala. There comes a truck. It's driving the wrong way and it hits us. I get really hurt.  I'm in a hospital again but this time, it's worse. Dean is with me and blaming himself. I tell him to calm down. He won't. Sam visits a lot. Almost every day. Then Claire comes. It's white. I'm dead. But nobody is coming for me. Why isn't anyone coming? It's my time to go. Then I'm in horrible pain. Everything hurts. That's when I start speaking to my father. The rest I know myself. 

I pull away. All this information in s few seconds. I start panting and sweating. Then I start coughing. Dean is asking me if I'm okay. I'm not. This is so much. After 10 minutes I can breathe normally again. But my chest and head are hurting. Dean is still comforting me.

"Dean, I remember" 

"What do you remember?" Dean asks and looks at me with a really worried face. 

"Everything" 

I want to kiss him. Hard. On his lips. So that's what I do. He almost seems a bit startled by my actions. But he proceeds to kiss me back. And it's not like the kiss yesterday. This is a real one that lasts longer and is more intense. 

"Fuck, I've missed that," Dean says into my lips. 

It's like we have created some sort of energy between us and Dean moves down to kiss my neck. Something about this feels raw, stripped down. Pure, one might say. But it's not really pure. Just very bare. I can lightly feel how Dean's tongue touches my neck, as well as a bit of teeth at times. I find this very pleasuring. Very human. Then Dean is down on my shoulder. He's tugging at my pants with his fingers. 

"Cas, we can't do this here," Dean says. 

"Go back home?" I ask while my fingers still are resting on Dean's hips. 

"Yeah," Dean says and pulls me down from the sandbox.