As you lay down - Destiel

Me - 15

And that was my life, 11 months ago. But things changed. For the worse. Way worse. All I've been doing for the past two months is remembering the past because I refuse to believe that now is the reality. It's just impossible. That it's only a matter of one or two weeks. 

We even managed to get a little bit of a life for a while, celebrated Christmas and all that. Even though it was all from fake credit cards, it was something. Sam knew about me and Cas, he was okay with it. Even though he found it a little weird being his friend and brother, he was happy for me. He saw how happy I was. Sam managed to get some sort of lead on Midgard and we got a response from both Crowley and Garth. There wasn't really much we could do about the war as Crowley had no idea of how to get there. And the supernatural creatures were scared according to Garth. They didn't want to get involved in something that big. 

Chuck checked in on us about 3 times. Things are going better for him and Amara. He said that he owes me a favour for taking care of Cas. I've been trying to contact him but I don't think he's listening. I don't think anyone is. Hell, I've tried summoning my dad to find out how to fix this but I don't think anything is working. Rowena can't fix this, even if she wanted to. She can't. The Midgard thing is draining the witches and most of them aren't even a part of it. 

I hate hospitals, there are never anything good that comes out of it. I've had two people die on me in them and there is most likely going to be a third. I feel like I'm going to be sick, but then again, that's what I have been feeling like for the past months. I haven't even bothered to fix the Impala yet. 

He shouldn't be here, it should have been me. I don't want more of this. I want my life back. I'm tired of sitting by a hospital bed and praying that things will get better. I'm tired of death. I'm tired of my life. 

The worst part? This is my fault. His death will be on my hands. I'll most likely end up killing myself. But then Sam would never forgive me. But maybe that's a good thing. I don't want anybody's forgiveness. I want them all to hate me because that's the only radical thing to do. 

He wakes up. 

"Hey, Dean" 

"Hey" 

"What day is it?" He always asks that when he wakes up. I think it's his way of staying sane. 

"It's the 17th of October" 

He sighs shakily and says "I'm scared Dean"

I close my eyes and say "You have every right to be" I think I'm crying. 

"Hey, it's going to be okay, you'll get over it and move on. Don't worry. You'll just be closer to a normal life" 

I just fucking lose it "I don't fucking want things to be okay! You're dying and you're telling me to calm down? Are you actually insane? Do you fucking realise what this is going to do to me? I've thought of multiple different ways to kill myself while I have been here. Cas, your death will be on my hands. I won't be able to handle that! Why don't you hate me?" 

Cas just sighs "Dean can you do me a favour?" 

"What?"

"When Sam gets here today, fix the Impala. You've been in here for too long" 

"Cas I-"

"Dean, no. Do something. I love you. I care for you. I want you to survive" 

I place my head in my hands. Everything is just a blur and I say "Fine, Cas"

An hour later Sam gets to the hospital. While I'm the one who's actually been sleeping at the hospital he comes and checks every day. I tell Sam what Cas told me and he thinks it's a good idea. I drive home in Sam's car. Driving is terrifying. I shouldn't be allowed to have a license. 

Something washes over me as I enter the bunker. It smells like home. I cry again. I just want to go back in time. Sam brought the Impala to the garage. The window is entirely shattered. The front is buckled and there's blood. I don't think I can do it. Come on Dean, for Cas. 

A few hours later I've fixed the buckles and washed away the blood, well as much as I could as it had dried. I had to completely smash in the window as I have to replace it. I will say, for a few seconds it brought my mind off things. I miss Castiel. Not the way he is now. I miss Castiel that existed a few years ago. The Castiel that brought me back from hell. The Castiel that stood up to Michael. The Castiel that lost his grace. Not the dying Castiel. Not the Castiel that is a shell. Because he is empty. Doesn't have any juice in him, human or angel. He knows. He doesn't want to fight. 

I return to the hospital and Cas and Sam are mid-conversation. Something brainy I would suppose. If it weren't for the circumstances, I'd be happy from the sight of this. But knowing what's going to happen, I'm not. 

I knock on the already open door and say "Hey" 

Sammy turns around "Hey, I spoke to the nurse. She's an ex-hunter. She understands you know. After this, yeah" 

This must be hitting him as hard as it's hitting me. "Yeah"

I think Cas senses the depression in the room as he says "Sam, can you check if anybody here has got a deck of cards?" 

Sam rises from the chair and says "Sure, Cas" he pats Cas leg before he goes. 

I sit down in the other chair "What did you speak about while I was gone?" I ask. 

"A lot, mainly Midgard. Not so much about the future" 

I walk over so I'm right at Cas face and I kneel so I'm at his height. "Cas, whatever happens, if it does-"

"When" He corrects me like he's given up. 

I shake my head "No, if. I will never stop loving you. Neither will Sam. In a different way but we're both equally hurt by this. And I will never stop fighting for you if that so means I'm going to have to grip you tight and raise you from perdition. But you can't give up. Saying stuff like when instead of if is giving up. You can't do that" 

"Dean, they're going to pull the plug in a week. I'm not alive. I'm a dead man walking. I might meet your mother, Charlie or Kevin" 

"If you see either one of them, the chances are that you're going to see me as well a few days after. Do you understand what you mean to me?" 

Just as I say that Sam returns with a deck of cards. 

"Anyone wanna play?"