How to be a heartbreaker

Part 1: Chapter 6. Confusion.

My heart fucking exploded. I'm starting to sense a pattern. Maybe he wants me, maybe he needs me like I need him.

He's my air.

He's my light.

He's my fucking Niall Horan.

He asked me if I still hated him.

Hated him?

I've spent the last two months being head over heels for him. He has no idea how much I wish I could just hate him. It isn't that simple baby. It isn't.

I tell him I can't play his games. But I'm too fucking selfish to get rid of him. I ask him if we can be friends, he tells me he'd like that.

I'm fucking torturing myself. He's my light. He's my dark. He's my heart and my mind. I can't get rid of him.

He wants to see me again. He thinks I hate him. I should fucking hate him, but God do I love everything about that 25 year old blue eyed heartbreaker.

It's day two of us talking like we used to. It's day two of realizing that I'm still fucking crazy in love with him.

I don't understand why I'm doing this to myself. Why I continue to put myself through his torture. Through loving the blue eyed boy with every bit of energy in my body.

Day three was a little scary. I worked up the nerves to ask him why he snapchatted me. Why he keeps putting me through this bullshit.

I won't forget what he told me.

"Idk. I just thought about you and sent you a text."

My first thought was did he think of ME or what I had to OFFER?

The following conversation answered my question.

His answers that he gave me made me realize one thing.

I was his bootycall.

End of story.

I cried, a lot. Once I realized what I was to him, I decided I wanted to be done. A part of me wanted to selfishly accept that offer just so I could continue being around him.

No Kayla.

Swallow your fucking pride.

You're not an object.

I decided I was going to block him, so I did. I swear I did.

Somehow though, that next day...

Snapchat from Evan.

No. No. NO.

E: Hey

Opened.

E: Good morning beautiful.

Opened.

E: Why did you randomly delete me overnight?

Que bitch mode.

Me: I mean are we really even friends Evan? Not to sound like a bitch, but it's true.

I instantly regretted that. Atleast until he replied.

E: A close friendship takes time and id like to think we are working on that.

There it went. Do you hear my heart pounding? Yeah. I was speechless.

I selfishly agreed with him that we could try the whole hanging out to a relationship type of thing.

I was more than fucking willing. I had my own selfish reasons as to why I agreed.

He is my world. I'm not going to give him up so quickly.

I'm being selfish.

Too selfish.

But I fucking want this with him more than air. I want him more than air. More than life itself.

Day 5 has been pretty great. ❤️ we've snapchatted all day. It's going good again. I can't wait to see where this goes.

A small part of me is scared he's just going to randomly disappear again. I'll be lost again.

Me: Stop being so damn attractive I can't handle it.

E: I'm fighing fire with fire baby. 😘

Me: Where's the other fire? 😅😅

E: You gorgeous 😏

Currently, we're working on a 6 day snap streak and it feels absolutely amazing to have my baby back.

It's nice waking up to us snapchatting. It's nice to have him here.

We made it to six days this time.

Now it's gone again.

_____

This is basically where the song "Selfish" comes in by PnB Rock. You know...

"I want you all to myself. You don't need anybody else. I want you all to myself. I swear. I'm selfish."

Basically. 🌪