"I won't leave"

Chapter 5 Reading old messages hurt

Night diary

It's 3 in the morning yet i cant get myself back to sleep. I've been crying all night thinking about Jack and Gray. I miss my best friends. I miss our late night conversations.  All i can think about is how i manage to stuff so many things up. Friendships and best friendships if that's a thing.All i do is hurt others and then get jealous when they move on from me. I just want to be loved and for someone to stay in my life. Even my parents left me.  It's just i feel like all i do is ruin everything and hurt others. Because there must be a reason for them to hate me. Maybe it is my fault, that Gray and i aren't friends anymore maybe it is my fault that flick back stabbed me. I roll over and try to sleep when i grab my phone. I open Snapchat and start going through all my old conversations with Gray and this one part of a conversation hits me hard. 

'Gray i feel like we wont be as close now you have a girlfriend:('

'No way'

'R u sure? Because everyone i get comfortable with and close with leaves me'

'Never' he replies. And this was the mistake i didn't recognize these are the words that i dread to always say. These words can break a relationship. How did i trust him? How was i so happy in a great fake friendship to believe that?

'I trust you' I TRUSTED YOU GRAY I TRUSTED YOU. And now he hates me for lies he believes, it's like she has some spell. She doesn't care about anyone's feelings as long as she gets her way. She could date her best friends brother and still feel no pain whats so ever. And he doesn't care that he left me in pain. He promised me he wouldn't leave he said that he was always there for me. He said he loved me. We would laugh at all the screenshots we had. And i felt loved and i can't believe i let him in, i tore all my walls down because i thought we were friends. I told him how i felt like a baby he said i was his big baby. HOW COULD YOU LIE TO MY GRAY? HOW? by this point of going through these messages my mind is everywhere and the tears won't stop. I can feel all the tears running down my face. I know that everyone says its going it get better but i hate it because that's all annoying shit to comfort me. Don't say something is ok or good when it clearly isnt. My face feels soft and i soak my pillow with my tears. I send him a message 'I can't believe you chose her, I can't believe you said you were there for me' I can't believe it. It feels like im in some sick dream that ill never wake up from. "I trusted you" i say to myself in between sobs. "I loved you" i whisper to thin air. And i break down i start to scream in pain i sob and cry and i let it out. I want my mum and i want to be happy with her, i want a happy life and i want to be comforted by her in these times. I want to hear her voice and smell her shampoo as i sleep in her cozy bed. I just want my mother, i want to be happy. I wash my eyes out with my tears and i hear my body ache. My eyes need a break, and i hear my voice crack. I scream in pain. I'm having an anxiety attack. I'm sweating and can feel myself pinching myself telling myself i'm a baby, the tears won't stop, i cry and remember my best friend Jack and feel my tears wash over my face and then slowly i black out of this fucked up society judgmental world.