"I won't leave"

Chapter 43

"Todays the day buttercup" I rub my eyes and sit up from the hotel bed.

"I should be saying that to you" I say getting up and ebracing Ben into a hug. I feel his hand trembling and i know he's not okay.

"Its going to be okay" i whisper into his ear without leaving the hug.

"Yeah" He manages a smile and walks into the kitchen pouring himself a glass of juice. I follow and sit down on the bench stool.

"So do you know how to get there?" I say drinking some of his juice while he turns to put it back in the fridge.

"Yeah its where my granny was burried" I smile at the word chosen.

"Granny" I whisper and i smile.

"Whats wrong?" He comes closer and picks up my hand.

"We're both going to be here for both of us. Okay?"

"Yes of course but- actually dont worry" i cut myself off smiling.

"Youre going to stay positive?"

"Mhm" i nod in response. I sit on the stool and play with my Pandora ring ive gotten when i was younger. It was a birthday present from my own gran before she passed away. I smile and paly with it looking at the flower. I remember when Gran loved to take me shopping until her knees hurt and my feet ached. She would alwaysd spoil me rotten and my brother always knew when we went shopping she'd buy me something. Im caught back to reality when Ben is wiping a tear from my cheek i didnt even know i shred. I sit on the stool looking into bens ocean blue eyes reminding me of when dylan and i would surf on holdidays. Once we went to Hawaii and met a world champion surfer. It was so cool we even got to surf with him until the press became so big he left me in the ocean. Dylan was off to mum and dad not realising i was still in the surf. I was ten at the time and i loved surfing i was taken out until my brother realised he'd left me in the surf. He peeled his shirt back off and ran back into the depth of the water where he couldnt touch the water and carried me out. I was hospiliazed for two days and my parents were frustrated. Ever since that day my love to surf has slowly faded away. Especially now that my brother isnt in the water with me. Or is he?

"Kayla?" Ben says waving his hands in front of my face.

"So-sorry" I say clutching my head.

"Kayla are you okay?"

"Yes im just going to go shower" I walk into the hotel wardrobe and pick out my black dress and my black cardigan.

"Im going to be just outside the bathroom okay?" Ben calls from the door.

"okay" I walk into the bathroom closing the door behind me and turning the tap. I feel the warm water hit my skin and i wash away the bags under my eyes and the mascara thats only going to be replaced with more. I start to think what it would be like if me brother was still here if mum still took us down to the beach if dad still surfed with us. Would i still be in contact with those friends i made would my depression still be lingering around like a crow around its prey. Would i still be happy in my mothers arms and had a happy life ? I wash away my tears and i wash away my fears. I swallow the tears not letting them out. I can do this i am not a baby and im certainly not someone to give up. My breathing is unsteady as i turn the tap to the left turning it off. I wrap myself in my towel and look in the mirror. 'Kayla there is nothing wrong with you, you can do this'
"How's it going in there?"
"Im fine" i say taking deep breathes. I pull my Bra over myself and pull my dress on top. I pull my hair into a sleek pony tail and open the door letting ben in. He notices my facial expression and pulls me into such a comforting hug. The type o f hug where no one speaks but understands. He knows i am hurting he knows im in pain he can see im hurting and he knows he needs to help me. I hug him and turn to look at us in the mirror. I watch a tear shiver down bens check. I turn around to him and wipe it pulling him into a hug.
"You have been so strong in this relationship and you have been there for me EVERY SINGLE TIME every time ben. You were breaking yourself to fix me. And its okay to cry you've been s strong baby and its okay to let it out" i pull him into me and feel his head resting on my shoulder.
"Its just" he muffles. "I hate seeing you so broken you cant go swimming in a public place because youre scared of people judging you i hate how you dont want to surf because youre scared because youre anxious and I hate seeing you being so broken no one can help. You are so broken thats constantly being ripped apart, its just i hate seeing you sad" he brushed away the tears.
"Its hard but it will get better" i kiss his cheek and pull him to the kitchen. "We can get through this" we stare into eachothers eyes and only break eye contact when he moves to the bathroom. While hes in the shower i pour some green tea. Something dylan and i Would come home to after a cold surf. I drink and listen to bens singing making me smile. How lucky i am. Lucky i have a boyfriend that cares for me lucky that i have friends. Just because i dont have my own family doesnt mean im un lucky. The people who have family and who have money they just don't understand how lucky they are. I dont have alot and yet it feels i have everything in the world. I smile at all the things that have happened this year and feel the tea run down my throat.

Bens P.O.V
I walk out of the bathroom and watch kayla sit on the couch holding a mug and smiling to herself. I quickly snap my phone out and take a photo of her. I text her 'what are you thinking about?'
She turns around seeing me and pats the couch next to her. "I love you " she whispers a smile creeping onto her lips.
"I love you too" i say leading her to the door. We walk down to the lobby meeting the others. All quiet which is different for us. We head outside and get in our uber. The drive's silent and the driver knowing someone has passed. When we get there the driver whispers good luck and we nod walking to the burial. I see the smile that was earlier on her lips replaced with and anxious face. I pick up her hand and she feels comforted by the look in her eyes. I pick up her and and the ceremony begins. Looking at no one but kayla and see tears roll down her cheeks and i hear elena crying also. Kayla still needs to say her speech. Kayla slowly walks up to the coffin. Me standing right beside her i hear her unsteady breathing. She kisses Tracy's head and walks to the microphone.
"I-" she breaths not letting go of my hand. "I had a whole speech. But let's scrap it" she smiles towards tracy. "Shes beautiful inside and out she was always smiling and- and then this happened she was such an innocent girl and this had to happen to her " i watch tears stream out of her eyes and I quickly pull her in a hug her breathing loud. We head to the back and let the priest burry her. Theres crying and howling and its over. We walk out straight away to avoid any conversations. We walk outside to the uber and head back to the hotel.
"You were strong babe" i kiss her head and she rests on my shoulder tears falling.