Dearest Readers,
So, I know several friends who cut... I never really understood that but it planted a permanent curiosity in my brain.. I asked around to figure it out, why do people cut? I found two main reasons. One, they feel numb and cutting helps them to finally feel something. Two, they feel as if the pain is deserved because of what they did to someone. I still didn't really understand either of the two when I had started asking around (about a year ago). Well... December 2nd I posted a letter to Him and it did some damage I didn't mean. I wrote it on my bad days and didn't think it through. I felt extremely horrible because it hurt Him so much.. That drove me to cutting for the first time. I felt like I deserved it because of the pain I had put him through.... The first time I ever cut I used the razor blades from an actual razor. I don't really know what people usually use but I heard those work. I was always so scared I would hurt myself if I did cut so I had fear holding me back. My first time cutting was nothing compared to any thing I've ever seen. Two tiny cuts, didn't bleed. Hardly worthy of 'paper cut'. The second time I cut it wasn't for the same reasons.. I did feel bad but not worthy of cuts. I was legitimately just intrigued by how it felt.. the blade putting slight pressure and then a sharp point.. it just pulled me in I suppose. So the second time I actually did make them bleed but not much. If there weren't so many in such a small space they could be considered bad cat scratches. Sadly, I am inexperienced and picked a bad place to start cutting... the bottom side of my hand. (Opposite 'corner' from my thumb.) I go to my Dads this weekend and am very worried about him finding out.. He is extremely religious and would explode if he ever found out so I am very terrified of what could happen... I was supposed to go over there the next weekend so they would have about two weeks to heal but things changed and now they only have four-ish days... I would seriously get very depressed if they ever found out. They don't know what's in my mind and wouldn't understand so I can't try to explain my point of view. They would assume the worst and want to get me into counseling for depression and suicide. I love life, I couldn't abandon it. I'm not depressed, I smile like you wouldn't believe. :D It's just something new that intrigues me for the time being. I have fear holding me back so I know I wouldn't ever go far...
-Your Faithful Writer
