Dear Who Ever,
I know I haven't written you in quite a while, sorry about that. Life has been kind of crazy lately. I'm going to try and give you an update from the last few weeks.
I have been clean from cutting for... almost two months? I think.. I'll have to check later. I'll just say it now, it has been extremely hard not to go back to it. So many people I know that I thought were so close to me.. I tell them how long I've been 'cut free' and they act like it's nothing. Is it not an accomplishment to be away from self harm?? Really? I thought you would be proud.. I guess not. My little sister knows, we are kind of close. She automatically assumes I'm suicidal. I'm not. I have this one quote stuck in my mind.. it goes something like this. "I don't want to die. I want to not exist, there's a difference." And you know what? It's right. There is a difference. I don't want to die, I love living. I just want to go somewhere between life and death. Somewhere I can just not exist for a little while. Somewhere I can gather my thoughts and figure out exactly what I'm feeling. I have decisions I need to make and I don't want to hurt any one or let any one down.. but with all of my thoughts and emotions swirling around I can't figure any thing out. Plus a lot of my friends need me right now and have no idea what's going on in my mind because I have no way to explain it. If I showed them this letter what would they say? Would they just apologize for what I'm going through? I don't want sympathy. I want help. I want out of this mess I'm so caught up in. How did I get here in the first place? Seven months ago life was amazing, no worries bigger than some bully at my school. Looking back, I thought I was going to explode for the things he said to me, the bully. Now I would give any thing to only have just a bully in my life. I'm trying so hard to not just snap or explode.. it takes all of my will power. You know why I don't just let it all out and explode? Not for me. Not because that would hurt me. But because that would hurt others around me. Others who depend on me to be strong and keep smiling. Others who need me right now because of their own tragedy. I have to be that smiling face that keeps them from crumbling... but what happens when I crumble? Who will help me not to crumble? Are they crumbling on the inside as well? I don't know.. I just don't know any more. I'm so tired.. Of what? every thing...
Like I said earlier, I have decisions to make. One of them might sound childish but it's big and terrifying to me. I don't care if you think it's dumb. To me it's not. My ex boyfriend, Ash.(Ash was previously referred to as Amanda, for future references (no one's real names will be used in these letters)) I am, and always have been, in love with him... When I say that I'm not sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing. I don't know. I love him with all my heart and nothing will change that but I'm so scared that I'm going to get hurt again. I made him a deal that if he can wait *at least* three weeks, or until I'm ready, that I will give him another chance. He can't be flirty with other girls, he must keep personal space personal. We won't kiss or anything of the sorts. We will be only friends in every way until those few weeks are up. Usually his feelings for me tend to dissipate in a few weeks, that's why I made this deal. In the meantime, I made an awesome friend. He will be referred to as Andrew. We talk all the time and have become very close. He is an amazing person and I can go to him with any thing. He doesn't judge me or criticize me. And most of all, he doesn't pity me. He tries his hardest to help me in any way he can. He is so caring. In the past few months I've known him, I have developed feelings towards him. Not as strong as my feelings towards Ash, maybe because he and I have a past together.. but because of my feelings towards him I am having doubts about Ash. I don't want to hurt Andrew by giving Ash another chance. I love Ash so much and I care so much for Andrew yet one of them is bound to get hurt and I just couldn't stand it. I have to make a choice but I don't know what to do. It's eating me up inside and the effects are showing on the outside.
Plus with the whole 'Ash' thing... My dad and step mom hate him. They can't stand that we dated. They also have no idea I'm giving him another chance. They are having problems in their marriage so I can't talk to either of them about it. They get so angry if I even bring him up. They act as though it's a crime I love some one who isn't Christian...
I feel so depressed lately. I've also come to fear myself. I feel like if I got into a life or death situation, like drowning, that I wouldn't fight it. That scares me more than anything. Since that feeling began, I refuse to go swimming or anything that could put me in a situation like that because I don't want to die. I'm scared of myself... and I hate that. Is it just me? Do others feel this way? Surely I'm not alone, right? Gosh, I don't know any more. I feel like I have lost all motivation to do any thing. I've lost my appetite as well. I have to force myself to eat at each meal time otherwise I'll go all day with out eating a single thing. I won't even feel hungry. The need for food just doesn't occur to me for some reason. I know that's really bad so I try and fight it all I can but it's hard sometimes. I've started to lose weight, not much though. If you knew me in person you would know that's really bad. I'm sixteen and a half years old and on a good day I weigh about 103. Losing weight can be very bad for me, that's why I force myself to eat three times a day even if I'm not hungry.
Eleven days ago my grandfather passed away... New years eve, as he was sleeping. He may have made it to the new year but only in it's earliest hours. I wasn't that close to him honestly. I saw him a lot but never got very close to him. I think that's what gets to me most, I didn't get that close relationship with him and now I never will. He loved all of his grandchildren so much and we all loved him so much but now... he's gone.... That just tore me to pieces when I first found out and now it breaks my heart to even hear about it. Every one always told me 'I'm so sorry for your loss'. Thank you but the simple fact is, that doesn't change any thing. That won't bring him back no matter how hard you try. No matter how sorry you are, he is gone and nothing in this world can change that! I hate this world so much for going on when such a wonderful person is gone! The world just keeps going like an important piece isn't missing... The world does not grieve for him and it makes me so angry and so heart broken...
The basic summary of all of this is that I'm just so tired and so broken and so worn... I want out but I love too many people to leave... I don't know what to do any more. I feel like I'm stuck and there is no way out. Can any one help me? Any one at all?...
-Your Faithful Writer
