Dear Who Ever,
I just want out. I want to leave, now. Right now. I don't deserve to be happy after what I did to him... Sure, he made some mistakes in the past but he wasn't doing anything wrong this time around. He was being faithful and following through with the challenge I gave him... (Ash) I totally just ripped his heart out and threw it on the ground... I didn't mean to make him feel that way. Here's how our conversation went:
Me: Are you alright??
Ash: Not exactly
Me: What's wrong?
Ash: I'm scared...
Me: Of?
Ash: I was told I was going to get my heart broken, I tried to deny it but then I thought I have acted like a doush in some areas, and probably do deserve it and I have just been making it worse for myself.....
Me: How have you been making it worse? Don't panic please. Who said that?
Ash: I wasn't even suppose to tell you and I am making worse by the fact that might be losing you and I can't help but panic my heart is beating fast and I am crying slightly
Me: I'm not really sure what to say honestly
Ash: Alright..
Me: I'm really sorry that this is happening..
Ash: Ok..
Me: Can I help?
Ash: Idk I don't want to go to school tomorrow now
Me: Why?
Ash: Cause I am weak
Me: What do you mean?
Ash: At this moment I feel a bit un loved, probably couldn't face you and if I could it wouldn't be with a smile
Me: I'm so sorry, I don't mean for you to feel that way..
Ash: It's ok...
Me: Not really
Ash: ..... Is it true though....?
Me: ...... over the past few weeks, my feelings for you haven't gone away but they have faded a bit...
Ash: Alright.... True enough then...?
Me: To a degree....
Ash: Bye......
Me: I'm so sorry
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I feel like an absolute piece of crap... Worthless... It's a good thing my sister is here with me tonight. She and her daughter (two months old) come stay the night when her husband goes to work. If they weren't here, I would probably go bust up a razor and start cutting again... and no one needs that, now do they? I just feel like I have no right no exist, none whatsoever. If I died tonight, it would feel well deserved.... I can't stop crying over what I did to him. I have no right to cry though. I did the hurting to him so why should I cry? That's right, I shouldn't.... He did nothing wrong... absolutely nothing. And look what I did to him?? I hate myself so much right now....
*minor detail: Yesterday I told Alice (Ash and my friend) about what I was feeling. I made her swear on everything that is important to her not to tell any one. She did, she swore. ...... She is the **ONLY** one I told any of this to.. So what did she do? She told him!! I needed to have this talk with him on my own time!! Not now, during finals, when I'm so confused in every freaking way!!!! I'm so pissed at her! So freaking angry!! I just can't believe she would.. ugghhhhhh!!!!!!!! Now I'm a big emotional wreck and I can't do any thing about it until I get to school. I'm stuck at my house and have none of my close friends to message because it's 3 a.m. ..... I feel like a worthless piece of dirt now. He is so broken.. and it's all my fault... I just want to die.. I want out of this.... please? please...
