Dear Who Ever,
I haven't written in a bit so here is a minor summary. I might give details later but I don't feel like it tonight. After the summary I have something else I want to write about. So here it goes...
Ash and I worked everything out. Seeing how much he cared (face to face) made me see just how much I do care. I'm pretty sure this is why I thought my feelings for him had faded: After he left me the *second time I felt hurt and lost. Andrew was there for me when Ash had abandoned me so naturally, my abused emotions went to Andrew rather than Ash. When Ash showed how much he cares my heart got puled back into one piece kind of... my emotions never faded, they strayed after getting hurt.
Ash and I are back together as of yesterday. I think it hurt Andrew.. We haven't talked much but who knows, it's only been one day technically. I'm very happy to be back with Ash <3 I missed him like crazy and now I finally feel at home with him.. :) I love him.. even through all the ups and downs.
*Summary End*
Here is what I wanted to talk about... I haven't cut in two and a half months, hooray! but there's some bad news to tell.... I haven't cut because I couldn't get any razors... I have grown my nails out lately though and they are really long. I was just in a horrid mood for no reason and having an 'off' day. I have four or five scratches that are puffed up and red, a few are pretty close from drawing blood... They hurt but at the same time feel really great. I know that's horrible and twisted.. but it's me being honest. My old scars have faded and healed, and as horrid as this sounds.. I miss them. It feels nice in a sad way to have more recent scars. I honestly have no reason really to SH (Self Harm) again but it just happened again.. I don't have an excuse or reason, I just felt like it and nothing stopped me. No one knew about it or noticed when I did it. Also, as horrible as this sounds... I was with my church youth group when I did it.... I have gotten so far from God lately, I can tell. The scary part is I don't do anything about it. I just sit here and let myself slide further and further away... But any ways, I was at this concert and had my jacket on so no one could see my arm. I just kept it hidden all night till I got home. I finally worked up the courage to tell/show my mom. She was so sad... :( I hate seeing that look in her eyes.... </3 it destroys me every time... Now I'm sitting in my room three and a half hours later typing this to you and not being able to sleep. Random thought, sometimes the only thing keeping me alive is Ash and my close friends. I think about what would happen to them if I just committed suicide or something like that.. How many people would be destroyed or try to kill them selves because they couldn't handle the pain. What would happen to Ash? He has told me he loves me and he's never tried this hard to be with someone. How destroyed would he be? How broken...? I just don't have the heart to do that to him... Also, what would happen to Andrew?? He has said that if it isn't love then what he feels towards me is the closest he's ever come to it... If I just died like that how much would that crush him?? I couldn't do that to him, I just couldn't. So if you are thinking about suicide, just think about the people around you. Even if you think no one loves you or you don't have a ton of friends. Maybe there is that one person you hardly talk to that sees you smile and it makes their day. Maybe that teacher that loves having you in class just because you are you. Maybe that parent that adores you with all of their heart. That little brother that wants to grow up to be just like you. That older sister that is always there for you. You may not notice it but there are people out there that love you more than you could ever imagine. Don't you dare leave them without you in their life, they need you. For all you know, you are the only reason they are still here. Remember that always <3
-Your Faithful Writer
