Dear Who Ever,
Today Him and I were texting, I could tell some thing was off so I asked if He was alright. He said yeah just thinking, I replied with "what's on your mind?". That was when He said "Well I don't need to be saying I love you cause I am not sure of my feelings".
I don't want Him to say it unless He means it but I want Him to mean it so much... I mean it with all my heart. He is my every thing, all the time. I can't get Him out of my head no matter what I'm doing... I love Him so much <3 I just want to be loved in return... I feel like I could lose Him any second... The first go round we dated for exactly two weeks and then He broke up with me. He then tried to ask out a girl who would potentially sleep with Him. This last Thursday marks two weeks again and I am so scared I'm going to lose Him... If I did I would be absolutely crushed... I'm sure I would need counseling because I truly love Him with my whole entire heart.. I just hope and pray He won't destroy me. He could if He chose to, He could destroy me with only words. Four words I fear the most, 'I don't want you'.... Those words would make life unbearable. All I want is to be loved by Him, He is my every thing... It also scares me that my dad and step mom will be extremely disappointed in me just because I claim to love him. They will say things about how I'm just a teenager, it's just lust, we've not been dating long enough to know that. Those things being true scares me too but I really truly believe in my very soul that I love Him with my whole heart. He has totally won me over and to hear Him say he doesn't know his feelings enough to say those words make me crumble.... to have something so perfect and beautiful like love makes me so happy but then it just gets pulled away by uncertainty... I'm broken just a little bit. I just want Him to be mine and I don't feel like He is one hundred percent mine. Saying something like 'I Love you' makes every thing so much more concrete it seems. Or it just makes it more devastating when it turns out untrue... I love Him so much but now I can't even tell Him how I feel because it isn't mutual and when you get told those words you feel obligated to say them back but.... He can't </3 I don't want Him to say 'I love you' unless He means it in every part of Him but him not being able to say that, it just makes me want to cry... all I want is Him, that's why I know I love Him. If He doesn't know if He loves me or not, does He want some thing or more than just me? Is this relationship doomed to end badly? I really really hope not... </3 I love Him so so soooo much it's unbearable. I can't even stop thinking about how much I love Him... but now I can't ever tell Him </3 I hate this so much... I just want to cry but instead I have to take care of this stupid electronic baby for the rest of the weekend... :( Him not being able to say it makes me think I'm losing Him... His actions don't show it at all but he is also really good at hiding things like that.. I would be able to see something was off but I wouldn't know what exactly it was until.... gahhhhhhhhh >:( I hate this sooooo much!!!! I'm just worrying over nothing!! So He couldn't say it, that's alright! He just needs time until He can say something that big!! D: I hate how much I worry.. I know He cares for me a lot but I'm just so extremely scared of losing Him. What if there is something I say that could save us and I don't say it because I'm nervous?? It would literally send me into an extreme depression, I would stop smiling, laughing, hugging friends. I would no longer be that upbeat kind happy smiley person. I would be dead and empty, emotionless. Losing Him would take all that I am with Him. That old girl would be gone... No one could pull her back into me no matter how much they tried.. My grades would drop, I might end up quitting band, I would need counseling. To let some one go through that amount of pain, it's unthinkable.... All I want is Him, His heart.. He has mine one hundred percent. I am standing on the edge of a cliff waiting to fall... The fall is terrifying but the worst in not know what waits for me at the bottom..... </3
-Your Faithful Worrying Writer </3
Dear Who Ever,
I posted the following letter on facebook, where only I could see it, about the previous happenings:
Dear Him,
I love you so much, with my whole heart... I want you to know just how much I love you but now I can't say it because you don't know exactly how you feel. It's completely understandable, truly. I just wish you hadn't said it at all if you didn't know for sure. I am absolutely sure I love you. If you loved me back who knows what great things could come from this relationship.. It breaks my heart to hear you say that you can't love me back right now... Maybe in the future? of course. I feel so strongly attached to you, if you left it would send me into depression. It would completely change who I am as a person. My ever going smile would cease to exist... The happy upbeat cheerful girl that loves you so much would be shattered.... so please please don't leave me. I know these are just my insecurities rising up but last time you did leave me for another girl. This time I'm in even deeper so you leaving not once but twice, would absolutely completely destroy me... All I want is to be loved just how much I love you. With that much love we could change the world. If only it was mutual.. </3 I know you care about me a lot and you don't say those words because you aren't exactly sure just how much you care, that's okay. I am sad because my love isn't being returned and you said it before you knew how you felt but it will be okay.. Until the day you can say it and mean it in every bit of your soul I will continue to love you in silence. I couldn't stop caring about you if I tried. One day we will have something so beautiful every one will want it. I will keep on loving you in my heart and wait for the day you can say it back. I know I don't have any reason to be scared for us but if you think for one second I'm going to let you go because you can't say it just yet? You are totally wrong. I will always love you and that keeps me from ever letting you go. I will always fight for what we have even if it's not quite love yet. One day, one wonderful day, in our future every thing will come together... <3
Your Love, Me <3
I just wanted him to know how I feel but I don't want to cause anything between us so I kept it secret... I can't stop thinking about how much I love him... It's tearing me apart in a sad lonely way. I'm not completely destroyed because he is still mine but I'm scared for us.. It's been longer than two weeks now so it's kind of like stepping into new territory. It's terrifying that he will just leave again.. How am I supposed to stop being scared?? If he left again he would take every ounce of me with him. I would only be a shell of the girl I was... </3
-Your Faithful Scared Writer </3
