Beauty and the Freak (girlxgirl)

Chapter Eighteen

Cameron's POV:

Rehab was tough, especially going through withdrawal. I looked like I was having a baby and an exorcism at the same time. I screamed in agony and misery. I threw up a lot. I didn't sleep much and when I did it was full of nightmares. I cried a lot. Some tears were because of how much pain I was in, and others were for the way I treated people and the things I did. The pain was horrible, I can't even describe it. Every single inch of me was in pain. Eventually the pain faded away. The feelings of depression and anger are getting better. Every second of everyday I still want to use. That part hasn't gotten easier. I'm not going to ever put another needle in my arm. I don't want to die, I want to live. I want to have a long and healthy life, and if I were to ever do heroin again, I know what would happen. And maybe I wouldn't get so lucky that time. I'm lucky to be alive. I was given a second chance and I'm not going to fuck that up.

I've been out of rehab for a week now. It was a lot easier to stay sober inside of there when I didn't have access to drugs. John has been hitting me up every day since I got out of rehab. I've been ignoring all of his calls and texts. It would be so easy for him to talk me into getting high. What I did with him, for heroin, was horrible. I am so disgusted with myself for my past choices. I can't take them back. It's something I'm going to have to deal with for the rest of my life. Just like being an addict is. I am in outpatient care. I go to meetings three times a week. It's depressing to hear other peoples stories and to relive mine. Cara sold her car twice for heroin. James lost his arm because it became so badly infected from shooting up, they had to amputate it. Frank was high and leaving his house to go pick up more heroin, and when he was backing out of his driveway he didn't know his daughter was playing at the bottom of it. He ran her over and killed her instantly. We all have our stories.

Heroin hurts. It messes up your life. It destroys your relationships with your loved ones. It turns you into a monster. It gets inside your head and changes everything that you thought you were. It makes you do things that you never thought you would do. You sell your soul to that drug. You give heroin a piece of you that you will never get back.

I was 92 pounds when I checked into rehab. I am now up to 110. Not totally healthy for my height, but it takes time. I'm focusing on getting healthy physically and mentally. I'm still taking it one day at a time, that's all you really can do. I even quit smoking cigarettes. Which has also been pretty hard. I'm going to fix my relationships with the people I hurt so badly and make things right. I failed my senior year of high school. I'm going to have to repeat it next year. I'm going to give it my all, and get the best grades I can. I'm going to go to college and make something out of my life. I'm going to get a job to pay my grandmother and Kaylee back, while saving up for school.

Speaking of Kaylee, I haven't talked to her since she left me at the hospital. I am so sorry for the way that I treated her. Yes heroin was my first love, but I did love her too. I do love her. I wouldn't blame her if she never wanted to speak to me again. I was the biggest bitch in the world when it came to her. She should have walked away. I miss her, a lot actually. I miss everything about her. Even if she never took me back, I still will make things right with her. I'm going to try my best everyday to make it up to her.

Jenny and Cayden came by and visited me while I was in the hospital and rehab. They really are my best friends, they have been so supportive through everything. I took my friendship with them for granted and was too high to care whether or not I had them in my life. I'm glad that I do though. As part of rehab I have written a letter to both of them. I know that can't make up for every horrible thing that I did and said to them, but I need to make my amends.

I don't think my relationship with my grandma will ever be the same again, nor should it be. I want it to be better then ever before, but that will take time. This is a healing process for everyone. I can't expect them to forgive me right away or act like nothing happened. The way I treated her was so disrespectful. She was the one that raised me after all, she taught me to be better then that. She has been more then supportive too. I am so grateful and lucky to have her in my life. I will spend forever trying to make it up to her. I'll pay her back every penny and more.

"Hi, I'm Cameron and I'm a heroin addict." I say.

"Hi Cameron." The group says back all at the same time.

"I've been clean for two months now. It has been a struggle every second of every day." I begin. "I lost everything to heroin. I lost my grandma, my best friends, my girlfriend. I don't even get to graduate high school with my class. I sold my body to get this drug. I was so scared to get my test results back. I surely thought after the unprotected sex I had and the needles I shared, I would have contracted something. I was lucky. I didn't. I was also lucky that the day I took too much, and ended up overdosing, that I didn't die. Well, technically I did die, but you get the point." I pause. "I'm not going to let heroin ruin my life anymore or be the death of me. It is a battle everyday to overcome my addiction and fight my demons. But I'm not going to give up. I'm sober now. For the first time in a long time my mind is clear, and I know what I want now. I want life."

After sharing, I sat down and listened to another person share their story. It really is so hard reliving it, but I want people to learn from my mistakes. I'm not that person anymore, and I never will be again. I can't run and hide from the decisions I made, I need to face them. I'm a heroin addict and I will be for the rest of my life. There won't be a day that I don't think about it or want to use. I don't have a choice there. I do have a choice in what I do about it.

When the meeting is over, I meet Jenny and Cayden in the parking lot who are waiting for me. I'm going to give them their letters today. I want them to know how truly sorry I am for hurting them. I already gave grams hers, she cried reading it which made me feel even worse. I wish I could take everything back, but sadly life doesn't work that way.

"Hey Cam." Jenny greets me.

"Hey, I have this for you guys." I reach into my back pocket and hand them each their letter.

"What is this?" Cayden asks, grabbing the envelope.

"I need to make amends. It's part of the program. But that's not the only reason why I'm doing it." I tell them.

"Do you want us to read them now?" He questions.

"If you want to I guess." I reply.

"Cool." Without saying another word he rips open the envelope, and Jenny does the same.

After reading it, Jenny pulls me in for a hug. She was teary eyed. Why does everyone have to cry reading my letters? It really makes me feel like shit. "Aww Cameron. It's okay. I forgive you." Those words meant more to me then anyone will ever know. Part of a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

"Yeah Cameron, I forgive you too." Cayden also joins in on the hug.

"Thank you." I respond, getting a little teary eyed myself.

"Lets go grab a bite to eat?" Cayden suggests.

"Sure." I smile. "What do you want to eat?"

"I'm always down for pizza." He smirks.

When we finish eating, they drop me off back at my place. I have one letter left to write and that's to Kaylee. I have no idea what I'm going to say or if I'm even going to be able to find the right words. She means everything to me, and I want nothing more then for her to forgive me. I'm never going to be able to forgive myself if she doesn't. Heroin may have been my first love, but Kaylee is the love of my life. I'm going to get her back.