(alice leaned on the white walls of her room, listening to the silent pelting of the rain against her window with her eyes closed. her expressionless face belied the inner turmoil in her heart. like there was a down pour of rain in her heart as well. she wanted to cry along with it, but true physical tears refused to reveal themselves to the cool, solemn air of her room. she was sad. as if a dark shadow that was lurking around her body had taken advantage of her vulnerability and engulfed her without a warning, she felt a chill down her spine. and she felt like drowning, like she was barely breathing anymore. and if she was, she herself did not notice. it was like a slow adagio without a melody.
should she call him?
but she had no confidence that she was able to smile in front of him. to act brave. the bravery that she facaded, something that she never had it in her. was she brave? she responded to her own naive question with her own cruel mocking laughter. brave? this alice? there has to be a limit to foolishness.
but she still wanted to see him. she wrapped her right hand over her other, trying to warm it. like how noa did it. but it was a poor imitation. sighing, she took the loose sweater from her bed and headed out of the house. maybe his presence was more distinct in the playground. it was a hopeful suggestion, but alice had always been like that. hopeful without any evidence. the true form of pitifulness. alice. that was her. this was alice.
when she tried to reduce the amount of noise she could make as she descended down the staircase, her eyes met with the a person similar to herself. of course at first glance, they were not similar in the least. her mother's hair carried the wave of vibrance, vitality, and confidence. alice's had formed an air of displeasure. of course she didn't mean it, it was just the way it was. dispirited. well, that was life. but essentially she and her mother was the same. the same insecurity and the fear of losing something important. that was the same. and it was deeply rooted in their eyes.
her mother's lifeless body had sprawled along the messy sofa, stained with cherry juice and cigarette butts, her legs that was edging off the sofa's arms. beside her also slept countless bottles of beer. and the stench had filled the rest of the room. alice read her mother with worry and sadness. in her earlier memory, her mother was a different person. a fierce, fiery persona. now she had been reduced to ashes. but alice could not blame her. she could blame no one of what had already happened. so she just shook her head, forgot the umbrella, and pulled the hood over the head...
...
alice was surprised. she was not the only one in the playground. there was also noa.)
"what are you doing here?"
"it's raining"
"exactly. why are you here?"
"i'm just strange. and i just had a feeling tonight."
"about what?"
"that you'll be here as well"
(it had continued to rain.)
"you know, i used to love the rain"
"why?"
"when i was young, when it rained, all the other mothers took their kid home with an umbrella. they were trying their best not to get wet. but my mother was different. and i loved how different from all the other mothers. because i felt special being the daughter of a different person. it was a simple and superficial reason, but it was a reason nonetheless. and instead of bringing an umbrella, we used to wear slippers so we can get our feet wet, and play in the mud. i guess... my mother was the one who taught me how to love the rain. and i loved it so much. i used to love it so much."
"don't you now?"
"not anymore..."
"why?"
(alice kept quiet. alice knew that if she told noa about her past love for the rain, he was going to ask questions. she considered telling him the false, but the simple lie. "just 'cause." she could possibly tell the harmless lie. but in truth, she was just scared. scared that noa might take a bigger part of her life than he already has. what if she loses him. she stared into space. but it didn't have any answers for her. instead noa grabbed her hand. she felt the warmth flow in like a lovely monster. and she knew what she had to do. )
"my mother... and my father fought really often. my mother likes to argue, she likes to debate about things. lots of things. phone bills, family business, world politics and other stuff like that. my father is more of a genteel nature. he likes to listen. he told me once that my mother's personality had filled the strength that he himself had lacked. and i understood him. i loved him, my father. i guess i'm more like him than my mother.
but when my parents fight for real, there's no backing down for both of them. it's only when my father knows that someone has to give up for the peace in the house, that he'll take the initiative. so he's usually the one holding up the white flag. but one day... there was day they fought hard. it was for the first time my father's voice was louder than my mother's. i think even my mother was surprised. and in the end, my father left the house for a drive.
it rained hard that day. really hard. and my mother called him because she was getting worried. their argument from before didn't really matter anymore. she was just worried for his safety. although they fought a lot, they still truly care for the other. i respected that.
it was a day later when a policeman had arrived in front of our door that reality had seemed surreal. and the funeral process, it was a dream. not a nightmare. because in a nightmare, you feel the fear. this was a silent horror. you can witness all the sorrows that was screening in front of you but you just lost the sense to feel anything. it's horrible. it felt as if i was a ghost and i was hardly breathing. the person who was supposed to be comforting me was the person IN THE COFFIN DEAD AND NOT BREATHING OR DOING ANYTHING HE WASN'T ALIVE ANYMORE AND HE DOESN'T CALL ME BY MY NAME HE -"
(noa pressed alice's hand harder. the rain was lifting. but alice was crying harder than ever. )
"my mother was never the same since that day. whenever it rains. my mother just drinks. no,i was wrong from the beginning. my mother was just a small ember. my father was her fuel. he was her inspiration. and she had even lost that. although the passion had faded, they still had the support for one another, there was tenderness, and there was security as well as trust. she had lost even that. and she's now just the ashes of the past. of a memory.
...
some people say that time heals. i think time just nulls things. and time has now faded my mother's conviction, her scent, and everything that made her her. and i miss my dear friend so much. sometimes she looks at me, but i feels like she's just looking right through me... it feels really creepy. and i'm scared... i wonder if she'll ever come back..."
"she will."
"how to you know that?"
"i know."
(and alice fell asleep on noa's shoulder. noa's hand on her shoulder.)
