"i have to confess alice. i have been a top class asshole. and i am sorry. if you want to kick my sorry ass, i give you full permission"
"i don't care about that noa. i want to know what you have been doing when you were gone"
(they were back to the familiar playground, holding hands, and swinging swings. but their linked hands were not only a gesture of intimacy, but also a promise and an apology. a sorry that they had let them go in the first place. a promise and a reassurance that they'll never let them go again.)
"well it's a long story…"
"we have the time."
"okay then, where do i start..."
(noa held alice's hand tighter.)
"gosh this is embarrassing… well i guess it started when you told me that you're not the one who can forgive me. that hit me quite hard. i thought i was losing you. and losing myself as well. then it made me realise that i had been truly lost all this time. and i found the reason why i had been lost. i found the way.
and to be honest, i had never been more confused in my life than the past few weeks. and never have i felt more determined. i was searching for forgiveness all this time, but i didn't know that. and i guess i was expecting it from you. for you to say "it's alright, it was all in the past. if you regret it that much then you're forgiven". it was selfish of me to put you into that position. and it was selfish of me trying to find forgiveness when i don't really deserve it. and it was just so that i can find a short peace in my heart... i'm a despicable person.
but i was blind, alice. i was so mad. at first i thought i was mad at you because i thought you didn't understand me. that's why i didn't want to see you. but i realised in the end that you were the only person who truly understood me. you were the first person who told me the truth, not half-hearted lies. and shamefully, it is only now that i'd come to realise this. i'm an idiot, i'm sorry alice.
anyways, after my great eureka moment, i ran away from home. well, that'a bit exaggerated. but in essence i had. i left with only a note telling my parents that i would be gone for a while. i left with some money, but i didn't take my phone. if i had, i would have wanted to stop and turn back. but i couldn't afford. so i took buses, trains, and subways until i arrived back to my home town.
it was really weird thinking about it now. that place had used to be my home for so many years, but when i returned, i didn't feel any attachment towards it. it was just a town. but i guess the people in it didn't forget me. i knew from the instant in their dirty looks: that i didn't belong here anymore. i guess i'm supposed to be sad, but as i said, i felt no attachment to the place anymore. it was just… a memory.
well, the first thing i did… well the first person that i had met was my former best friend. you know, the bully. he wasn't how i remembered him the last time i've met him. he had lost all his arrogant demeanour and had been reduced to a dejected teenager. to be honest, seeing my friend like that was sort of … heartbreaking. i know what he's done was horrible. but he's still my best friend.
he didn't seem so thrilled to see me at first, but we broke the ice soon enough. i stayed over at his house while i was 'running away'. when i told him why i came back, he didn't understand me. he said that we had paid the price for our crimes already. he thought that there was no point in apologizing. but i saw the point. although i tried to convince him that he should also come with me, he flatly denied.
on the very next day, i went to meet the kid. he seemed to be doing much better, but not completely happy i guess.
he seemed extremely cautious of me. his eye were filled with fear. it was the same from back then in high school. i really hated that look. it made me feel as if i had killed a part of him. and that look had killed a part of me too. i guess it's shameless for me to say this. but i don't know what other way to put it.
when i approached him, he took a step back. he made it clear that he didn't want me here. to him, i was just a painful memory he wanted to forget. which is funny because it was exactly the same as how i felt about this town.
i kneeled.
and i asked for forgiveness.
and as i said, it was shameful.
the sin that i had committed, is going to remain as an ugly scar even though time may pass. and it wasn't even my scar that had bled. it was his. and i was endlessly sorry about it.
he swore at me. and i guess it was to be expected. he said that it was selfish of me to ask for forgiveness. he told me it was too late. i wasn't able to say anything because what he had said was all correct. i wasn't hoping the hollywood sugar coated ending, it wasn't realistic. i wasn't hoping that it was to be that simple.
it really was hard, alice. because no one wants to live in the past, whether they know it or not. me, going back to where my childhood was was the same as bringing to past back. it was cruel. perhaps we could have forgotten everything and just ignored all the crimes that we have committed. just so we can feel at peace. but to me, that just sounds wrong. we can't move forward if our past wounds aren't healing. and i knew that i had to make a choice. and i don't think that i would regret it.
even though he didn't forgive me at first, i persisted. if what we have right now are scars and old, painful memories, then we can make new ones. i got his phone number right now. i called him yesterday. i think… we are working on it, i'm just wondering if it's really working.
i came back home yesterday. i found about arthur hewer when i got back as well. i visited school last night and prayed where his seat was in the lunch room. it was easy to find because some flowers were placed upon it. i wasn't religious, but i felt that praying was the right thing to do. just hoping that he was in a better place, that he was in a better hands…
after that, i got scolded by my parents. got grounded. but i knew how to run away anyways so they can't really stop me. when i told them that, my allowance was cut. and when family business was over, i called elizabeth. and i told her that i was sorry. and that i can't work between us. and that she probably had to say sorry to you because she had slapped you for the wrong reasons. you were not the one stalking me. on the contrary, i was the one stalking you. and if she really had to slap someone, it would have been me.
and here i am now. bare and naked. the shameful and guilty noa. even if you still know the true, real me, do you still love me?"
(alice hugged noa with all her strength. she was filled with uncontrollable happiness, she didn't know what to say. his perfection and flaws… they were all part of noa. and if she could, she would kiss all his insecurities, because they are also fragments of him. of noa. of her beloved. )
"you know alice. i think i had made two decisions in my life that i'm truly proud of. one was trying to fix my wrongs. and two, was falling in love with you."
