hi, this is alice.
i guess you've already heard the news already noa. or maybe you didn't...
a guy in our school suicided yesterday. they said that he did it because of the guilt from the past. they said that he did it because of his girlfriend... i've seen his girlfriend crying during lunch time in the cafeteria. but i don't really think that he did it because of his girlfriend. but then again i don't know what he was thinking anyways… but you know, a small number of people believe it was because he had lost a friend. but i just think that it's just all those factors combined.
anyways, the teachers and counsellor spoke about it at the beginning of the lesson. my english teacher made us sit in a circle. then she gave us a yellow ball and told us to pass it around. when we have the ball, we can each talk about our views about suicide.
charlie was the first one with the ball. he said that suicide was wrong. but he also said that a lot of people still do things even though they are wrong. and sometimes they might even be right…
what he said confused a lot of people and it definitely scared the teacher. i think the teacher thought that charlie might do the same. it was like he said there was a bomb in his bag. when i told him that after class, he just laughed. and he said: " i do have a bomb. it's just in my head."
anyways, after he said his stuff, he passed the ball to the girl who wanted to become an actress. do you remember that girl? i'm sure you do. i'm sure you would if you had cared. well she said this. "suicide is bad. but what's worse is how people only realise how truly horrifying it is after it happens." then she passed the ball onto me.
to be honest. i didn't know what to say. really, i don't think saying anything would change anything. even if we tried to raise awareness, it wouldn't change the situation for people already suffering.
depression. or the suicide does not just happen because of chemical imbalance. it happens because of prolonged depressed thoughts. you're not just depressed because of the death, or because you failed your test. feeling sad is a natural sensation. you're human. of course if these bad things happened to you, you are bound to feel sad. don't blame yourself for feeling these emotions. it's natural. it's human. don't worry.
but if you feel that all you're looking for is an escape. an escape from your miserable situations. bullies. and that's the only thing that's on your mind. and then you realize there's no escape route near you. nor a helping hand. not even a friendly smile. your thoughts are going to start eating you up. and after pain after pain, it's going to leave a mark on your mind.
and then all you feel is the numbness, the emptiness… then you know what something's wrong.
then you need to find is hope. i know that this may sound cliche... but isn't it true? i hate how hope, or love is commercialised these days. it makes it seem like hope can be bought with a cheap fabric ribbon. where's the genuineness in that? if people had experienced real love. or hope. they wouldn't frame it as cliche. because to make a dent on such a word would be blasphemy itself…
well that's what i said. but i did it sort of unconsciously. i think i just rambled most of the time. but charlie told me afterwards, that my words meant something. and now i regret not uttering those same words to the boy who's now gone…
