hi, this is noa.
alice, have you heard of a game called 'pretending'? like when we were really young and didn't have computers to play games with, so we made our own play. 'pretending'. i was always the evil pirate who kidnapped the princess (who was my little sister), and there was this shinning knight in armour (who was the kid next door) who saved her. i would love to tell you that i was the one who had thought of this brilliant play. but i can't. because it isn't mine.
my dad was the one who had taught me 'pretending'.
my mom was sick so she had to lie down. my dad and i had to take care of lunch. it was sunday. and you may praise me of my great memory.
my dad told me: "noa, you and i are going to be the first-class pirate chefs."
and i said:"like master chef on the telly?" telly is televsion. i still call it telly, don't judge me.
"well sort of like that, but even better."
"but we're not really first-class pirate chefs"
"well noa. it's called 'pretending' and imagination. and if you believe it, then it'll come true"
"okay"
and i believed him like a kid i was. i was also a sort of an idiot, but hey. i turned out great ,didn't i?
and so we cooked lunch. spaghetti. and to be honest it sucked. we over cooked the sauce. but we still gave it to mom. she tasted it. i knew that she hated it. but it was the thought that counted. so she smiled. she smiled like she liked it. but not really. she was also playing 'pretending'. but her smile could fool no one. and i wanted to stop playing 'pretending'. but mom won't stop. she kept on saying how the spaghetti was wonderful, even though it really wasn't. and then i wanted to stop 'pretending'. i wanted her to stop 'pretending'. because in the end she was just lying. we were all lying. and it felt very wrong. and i started crying like a little kid i was. i really wanted her to stop 'pretending' that everything was okay.
i wanted her to stop. i wanted her to fucking stop. but she won't stop. she doesn't stop even to this day. she keeps on 'pretending' that everything is alright. and i have to play along with her, reassure her that everything is alright.
and so i realized. 'pretending' is not a child's game, alice. it's the play of the adults. and all i want to do, it to stop playing 'pretending'. there are tons more other games are that much more enjoyable. and i'm willing to play.
so what game should we play alice?
