I Heard You

Chapter 48: Accept

trigger warning: depression, suicide
read at your own risk.

—

"What do you mean?" matigas ang kanyang pagkakatanong.

Naramdaman ko ang pangangatog ng aking tuhod at ang malakas na pagkabog ng puso ko.

"Savanna," he firmly called when I didn't answer. "What did you do?"

I closed my eyes and tears continued streaming down my face. Slowly, I opened my mouth to speak.

"I killed..." my voice cracked. "I killed my own daughter, Cryd. I killed her."

"No..." rinig ko ang frustrasyon at pagod sa kanyang boses. "No, you didn't...I don't believe you."

"I did!" I cried loudly. "Nagawa ko!"

"Stop it!" pagalit niyang sabi. Nanlamig ako nang lalong dumilim ang kanyang tingin sa akin. "There's no way in hell you would do that. Despite the situation, I know you won't do such cruel thing!"

His words made my heart break into pieces. Masyadong mataas ang tingin niya sa akin. I'm not that good. I'm not an angel.

"Please," his voice went soft. Pakiramdam ko'y mas nanghihina siya sa nalaman niya ngayon. "Tell me you're joking."

Umiling-iling ako't lumuha. He, too, shook his head. Ayaw niyang maniwala sa sinabi ko. Kahit ako'y ayaw ko iyong paniwalaan. Ayaw kong maniwala na ako ang naging dahilan ng pagkawala ng anak ko. Ni hindi ko nga ito pinahalagahan...

Pinatong ni Cryd ang kanyang noo sa aking tuhod. Mabigat ang kanyang paghinga habang ako'y panay ang hikbi.

Ilang saglit bago ako magpasya na ikwento sa kanya ang nangyari.

"A few days after my parents and I settled in Maryland, we found out that I was pregnant..."

Nang malaman iyon ay wala akong naging reaksyon. Ni hindi ako nakaramdam ng katiting na saya. Imagine being impregnated by someone who sexually assaulted you. And I'm very young at that moment. Ang hirap lang tanggapin...

"I was too depressed that time. Ni hindi ako kumakain. I was brought to a psychologist too. Pakiramdam ko kasi'y masisiraan na ako ng bait. I was lucky my parents didn't give up on me..." nanghihina kong kwento. "They took care of me while I'm carrying my child. Sila ang nag-alaga sa akin habang hindi ko maalagaan ang sarili ko."

Noong walang-wala ako, nandyan ang mga magulang ko. They never left. And to me, my parents were the most amazing people I know. Dahil kahit sobra ko ng palpak sa buhay, hindi nila ako pinabayaan at itinakwil.

In my lowest, weakest, darkest, and saddest point in life, my parents are my heroes. They are the greatest blessing I've received. They sacrificed so much for me. Kaya malaki ang pasasalamat ko sa Panginoon dahil biniyayaan niya ako ng mga magulang na mahaba ang pasensya't mahal na mahal ako.

I hope I could be like them. Mabait at hindi pabayang magulang sa kanyang anak. Pero hindi eh...

"I've been a really bad Mama," I confessed silently. "Hindi ako kumakain ng tama. Hindi ko iniinom ang mga gamot na inirereseta sa akin. At dahil doon, hindi nabibigyan ng nutrisyon ang bata sa loob ng tiyan ko."

Habang inaalala ang kapabayaan ko noo'y lalo akong nanghihina. I didn't know that depression can lead to that.

"I didn't know I was slowly killing my child because of that. I was too busy grieving. I was devastated. I was young and the horrible thing that happened to me never left my mind..."

Nanatiling nakayuko sa aking tuhod si Cryd. He isn't moving. I don't even know if he's listening but I want to keep talking. Maybe, telling him everything would make me feel better...