Letters (A Dark Louis Tomlinson Fanfic)

Chapter 60

Songs for this chapter:
1) Innocence - Avril Lavigne
2) I'm With You - Avril Lavigne
3) Let Me Go - Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger

*Louis' PoV*

As I lay there, with my arm wrapped around Trinity securely as she dozed beside me, I thought about how fucked up our relationship was. It was teeming with mistakes, on my part, and she would always come back to me, no matter how detrimental my actions had been. It was something I didn't really understand - I mean, why would you keep returning to something that continued to hurt you, over and over again? 

Then I remembered the promise she had made me. She had sworn never to leave me. Although that didn't really justify her forgiving nature, as she had only promised to stay as long as I didn't give her a reason to leave. And I sure as hell had given her more than one reason to leave, and I knew it wasn't just in my eyes, I knew she saw the destruction I was causing. The only reason I could think of, as I lay there, gently tracing my fingers through her hair, was that it wasn't by choice.

Drugs are addictive, right? Drugs are bad things that latch on to good people and draw them in to a vortex so deep that there's no escaping. They make the victim feel like they are dependent on the drugs; that they need them to keep everything turning, even though they're probably better of without them. 

They corrupt people and trap them within their caged boundaries.

And suddenly it was no longer a random topic of thought.

I was the drug, and Trinity was the victim.

The victim.

I was the bad thing. She was the good person. I made her feel like she needed me. She was better off without me.

And that's when the panic set in.

I didn't want this. I didn't want to be the one who constantly hurt Trinity. I didn't want to trap her. I didn't want this relationship. By that, I didn't mean that I didn't want Trinity, fuck, I wanted (and needed) her more than anything I had ever known. I just didn't want this type of relationship. What I wanted was a healthy, functioning relationship. One where she didn't feel trapped. One where I was the one who she would come to for comfort when she was scared or upset, not the one who was scaring or upsetting her. I wanted to see her smiling, to hear her musical laugh as her eyes lit up brighter than the stars in the sky on a clear night. I wanted to be her safe-house. I wanted her to not have to worry about our relationship.  I wanted her to be happy. 

I had said this so many times; told myself that I was gonna get my shit together, but this was the first time it really hit home. For the first time in my life, I could see a future with this girl. I could see us in a few years time, still the same people, but with wider smiles and perhaps a few near-wrinkles developed at the creases at the edges of our eyes.

I wanted more than anything to tell her everything. To tell her everything about the incident with Greg, everything about why I was so fucked up, everything I could think of that would somehow cleanse me of some of the immorality that clung to every shred of my being, but I couldn't. 

As that thought rang out inside my head, it was replaced by another conflicting view.

'Why the hell can't you?'  the small voice echoed.

All it would take was some balls. If I could quit being this self-pitying asshole with no backbone for just a few minutes, I could solve half of my problems.