it makes me wonder ~ larry stylinson [book 1]

eight

A/N: So, things get kind of different in this chapter? And it may be sort of unexpected, maybe a little confusing too. Maybe a little weird. But. Just go with it, yeah? I promise it won't be as weird as the story goes on. The weirdness is not for nothing, I swear to you :) 
A lot of this chapter is more Louis' internal monologue than anything. I'll try to get a lot more dialogue and less internal monologue in part nine though, don't worry. 
Anyways, thank you so much for reading, and I'd love to hear what you think, so comment please? Lots of love to all of you, and I hope all is well! x

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So there may or may not be this guy.

Or, these two guys.

Neither of them are Harry.

And...it's weird. You know?

Sort of?

Sigh.

Okay okay, let's back up for a quick second here. 

Louis really likes Harry. A lot. But, in all honesty, he's not sure what Harry thinks of him. So he's been thinking, would it really be that bad if he tried to get with another guy? Not necessarily a relationship, but...you know. Just, someone to hook up with, to get his mind off of Harry for a bit. 

But even thinking about that makes Louis feel all nervous. It's just strange, especially if you don't know the person. Louis prefers more solid connections. More of a commitment. 

But then, that scares him too. Commitment. And that's an issue. He's terrified of marriage, for reasons he can't fully understand. He can't see himself settling down with a nice guy in the future, maybe having a couple of kids. It just doesn't work for him. He can't see it. All he sees is him being single, being alone for the rest of his life.

And that scares him as well, is the worst fear of his life, actually. Being alone. Not, like, being alone temporarily. More like a long-time alone-ness.

He hates it. 

Yeah, he's had a couple of boyfriends before, but neither relationship was serious. If anything, they were more about physical things than emotional things. 

So there's another thing: he has no idea what he'd even do if he were, by some miracle, in a relationship with Harry. He'd probably fuck everything up, as usual.

But see, he wants that, wants it so bad. He wants a cute relationship where the guy really cares about Louis for once. One where he'll go out of his way to show Louis that he cares, that he reciprocates Louis's feelings. One where they'd be equals. He's never had anything like that.

That's laughable though. He's got his sights set on Harry Styles, yet he wants a balanced, equal relationship? It's Harry Styles. Of course it wouldn't be equal. It'd all be the same; Louis would care more than Harry would and then everything would go to shit. 

Louis thinks about all of these things quite often, because of the clusterfuck that is his brain. He's constantly worried, constantly afraid of all of it. And this is why he's been thinking about finding another guy, maybe, for something more casual.

But that brings us all back full circle to the hook up scariness thing. And Louis had started to think that this was it, this never-ending loop of doubts was all that he'd ever have. 

But then Chad came along. 

Now, again, Louis really likes Harry. And he can't seem to find some sense and give up on that whole "Harry fantasy" of his yet, of the possibility of things maybe working out between the two of them somehow. Louis does not like Chad in that way. But Chad is intriguing.