Brave Enough To Love Again

Chapter 40

Keane

"I'm really sorry, Keane. I just can't. It's my final night duty here. I'm sorry. I hope you understand."

Those words were not what I wanted to hear in the situation I was in then. The feeling of disappointment washed over me and I felt sad and abandoned in that moment. I needed her, but she couldn't come with me. She wouldn't.

The place suddenly felt too crowded, and the place too small. I needed to get out, leave. With big strides I turned around without even saying goodbye to Eden as I loosened my tie that suddenly felt too tight. I just wanted to distance myself from that place as quickly as possible, and didn't even realize that she followed me until she grabbed my wrist to stop me when we were outside.

I looked into her pleading eyes that begged to be understood, and under different circumstances I easily would have, but not that night. The happenings of that day was more than I bargained for when I started looking for my biological father. Eden's surprising and unexpected presence there was just the cherry on top of it all.

All the arguments I brought up while we were outside to change her mind didn't move her in the least, so I just nodded my head in defeat when I realized she wouldn't come with me. With that, I left without a single glance back at her. I felt her stare piercing me at the back of my head, but I didn't care, I just wanted some quiet then.

During the ride home my mind was in chaos and my whole being in turmoil. The likelihood of James being my father was high, because of my mother's admission to her friend Anne. There was no reason for her to lie to me, so a paternity test would just prove it. I didn't know how to feel about that fact yet. Growing up the way I did with Levi being already like a brother, I had always considered my childhood a relatively okay one. It was only okay because of my mother's health issues and a so far wrongly accused absentee father.

I had in fact seen James as a father figure in my life, given that Levi and I were always thrown together by his parents, as they were hoping for Levi's attitude to become more like mine; responsible, eager to learn, and other attributes they wished for but only saw in me instead of him.

There were several one-on-one talks with James, where he praised me and asked me to try my best to influence Levi as well as I could so he would assume a more responsible way of thinking. Furthermore, not only once had James announced, even in the presence of his own son, how much he wished I was his son instead, when the arguments between the two had gone out of control.

As it turned out, I was his after all. It looks like your wish has finally been granted, old man. This thought was accompanied by a bitterness and sadness about the past that simply couldn't be rewritten, and it made my stomach churn in regret.

I realized in that moment too, that the feeling of contrition was caused, strictly speaking, by my own mother's lying. Knowing that, she, who I had always put on a pedestal, was capable of such a life altering lie with such far-reaching consequences shook me to my core.

My blind belief and trust in her and every single word she ever said to me was suddenly undermined because of a falsehood that made my life a fatherless one filled with unanswered questions. Oh, how I very much hated lies. This particular lie robbed me of so much growing up, and a lot could have been different without it.

Once at home in my place of sanctuary I was lonely for the first time since the called off wedding. I let myself fall down with my back on the couch and began staring at the ceiling, seeing nothing but a white wall that looked as empty as I felt. I closed my eyes, trying to shut out the world around me, and was immediately ambushed by many different emotions at once.