I Can't Make You Love Me

Chapter 23

23
"Stay with her. Take care of her. Love her and keep her alive."

Sa pagtalikod kong iyon kay Miracle ay may isang taong hindi ko inaasahang makikita ko. He was looking at me intently at parang hindi makapaniwalang maririnig ang mga sinabi ko. Fvck! Parang ngayon pa lang ay gusto ko na lang bawiin ang sinabi ko. Parang may tumutusok na mga karayom sa dibdib ko.

"Ken.."

I know he was ready to throw me fire pero naunahan na sya ni Mira.

"Ken, I'm sorry but I needed to see her.." malambing nitong paliwanag bago lumapit kay Kenneth.

Inakbayan naman nya ito na parang pinoprotektahan sa kung ano.. That could have been me!

"I'm done here. I'm leaving.. It was nice talking to you, Miracle."

Malapit na ako sa kanilang gate ng maramdaman kong may sumunod sa akin and I'm pretty damn sure it's him. Binilisan ko na lang at pinatunog agad ang alarm ng aking sasakyan pero bago ko pa man mabuksan iyon ay may humapit na sa aking bewang.

Damn!

"Gabbi.."

Napapikit ako ng mariin dahil halos manghina ang aking tuhod.. Sa pagbigkas pa lang nya ng aking pangalan ay nag-init na agad ang aking puso. Na kahit ilang beses ko syang takbuhan ay tila boses nya lang ang katapat sa aking pagtigil.

"Kenneth, let go." nahihirapan kong utos. Alam ko.. Alam ko na kapag tumagal pa sya sa pagkakayakap sa akin ay susuko na naman ang puso ko. At hindi ko iyon kakayanin. "You're.. wife's waiting for you." Fvck that word!

Umiling agad ito. "Listen.. just for once, Gabbi, please."

Hindi ako umimik dahil hinihintay kong magsalita sya. "Gabbi, please, tell me you're gonna listen."

Then I nodded slowly.. feeling his arms wrapping around me.

"Hindi ko man matandaan lahat pero alam ko.. Alam ko na mahal kita. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ngayon lang.. kung bakit hindi ko masabi sayo noon. Or maybe I did because that's what I can remember. Even if it's just my fragmented memories, it's all about you."

Matagal pa bago ako nakabuo ng sasabihin ko.. or maybe I didn't want to say something in the first place.

"But we need to do the right thing, Kenneth. Let's just accept the fact that we will never have the chance for each other."

Lumuwag ang pagkakayakap nya sakin at iyon ang dahilan kung bakit nakawala ako sa kanya.. Ngunit hindi ko nagawang humakbang palayo kundi pumihit ako paharap sa kanya as I held his face.

"Mahal kita, Kenneth. I still love you and that's the truth. But we both need to be responsible this time so we won't repeat our past mistakes. She needs you.. more than anyone else. She loves you. Please, Kenneth, this is all I ask from you."

Nakita ko ang paglunok nito at pag-angat ng kanyang dibdib..

"What do you want me to do, Gabbi?" naluluha na nitong tanong sa akin. My heart started throbbing madly. I can't stand to see him like this!

"You want me to stay by her side, is that it?"

I nodded again.. "Stay with her. Take care of her. Love her and keep her alive, Kenneth."

He bit his lips at umiling ito. "Paano ka? Paano ka naman?"

"I can manage.. I can still save myself."

Iilang mura pa ang narinig ko sakanya bago nya ako binalingan ulit. "E, ako, Gabbi? Paano naman ako?"

Then that hit me. Paano sya? Hindi ko na naisip iyon. But he could manage, right? He even lived for years without me.. I know he'd survive.

I tiptoed and snaked my arms around his neck as I give him a warm hug. I kissed him slightly and whispered. "Good bye, Kenneth. Let's unlove each other."

Hindi sya gumalaw sa kinatatayuan nya at nakita ko na lamang ang pagpatak ng kanyang mga luha. He's hurting.. Both of us do. I just couldn't stand to see him more like this so I turned around and entered my car.. Driving away. Away from the man I loved the most.

I didn't want to stop the car even if my tears were clouding my eyes. I wiped my tears using the back of my hand..

"Ken.. I'm so sorry." ang paulit-ulit lang na banggit ko habang nagmamaneho.

Nasasaktan man ako ngayon ay mas nais ko pang tawanan ang aking sarili. I've been so hypocrite.. Akala ko tinutulungan ko ang sarili ko but it turned out to that I've been dragging myself down to hell.

I spent my whole day crying.. in misery. Maling pagkakataon na naman? We're both ready yet destiny won't really come into our favor.

"Oh, Gab.. Gab.." sabay yakap nya sa akin. I don't know it if calmed me or not because I cried even more.

"Rij.. I.. I really lost him this time. I tried.. I tried to burn this fvcking feelings down and I did! Or maybe I didn't."

I just felt her warm embrace. "Gab. Sorry. We're really sorry if umabot pa sa ganito. Alam naman namin, e. Na.. si Kenneth na taaga noong una pa lang but we pushed you so hard ti be with Azrian. And now, you're suffering from what we--"

"It's fine, Rijane. Ginusto ko rin naman 'to at some point. I loved Azrian.. God knows I did. Pero hindi naman ako masaya. I would have stayed if I was happy even if I don't love him that much 'cause eventually I'd learn to."

"Don't worry. Everything will be fine. Nandito lang kami, okay?"

Alam ko namang magiging maayos rin lahat but the question here is when? Kailan? Paano kung hindi ko pala kayanin? Paano kung hindi ko na makontrol ang sarili kong puntahan at balikan sya?

But someone told me before: Loving yourself first will slap you the reality that when time comes, you'd fully heal and let others to know you.. to love you.

How can I unlove the only man I only loved for my whole life? The man I only loved who disappears and re-appears?  How can I unlove the obly man I only loved who came back and saying how much he loved.. he loves me?