Depths of my mind

10/19/16

Crimson streams flow down my arms as I stare blankly at the scene. Red seeps from black wounds sustained from times forgotten. Promises long broken, hopes long smashed into oblivion, material things that shouldn't matter, but do. I am breaking at the seems of my very being whilst everyone around turns a blind eye. I have reached my final breaking point, pain overwhelms my soul. When pain is the make up of life, it becomes a game played tirelessly by those too weak to carry onwards. On the brink of tears at any given moment, because a thought rushes back to you. Its cold hands wrap around your mind and slowly takes everything you thought you knew.

My breathing is labored now. Heart still beating, but with a mind that has given up. All hope, all dreaming, all thoughts of a time that was good, gone and dead. Trying to hide behind a mask of happiness for the people slowly breaking me down to nothing. I'm trying to be something I cant be, and that I never was. Here I sit, knowing what I should do and here I sit doing none of it for the fear that lingers deep within. A fear of loosing the small things I have left, and freedom, the only promise with any shred of truth. I sit, a shell of what I once was, wasting away before my own eyes. Though I will myself to break free, to envision myself far away from this pain, to be the person I am dying to be, I know it will never come to pass.

I am broken. I am not okay. Can I survive? Though I may have made it this long, I am tired of a fight that was never meant to be fought. I am tired of being held captive in thoughts of my own demise and never ending pain. I am tired. Trying to stay afloat with rocks tied to my feet, trying to break free of titanium chains, trying to find hope hidden in the lyrics of song, trying to fly bolted to the ground.