Depths of my mind

1/29/2020

Who I am in my heart, and who I've been known to be, have little overlap. The values might be the same, but this is not how I've wanted to live. My body, my mind, and my soul haven't been on the same page since a time I barely remember. Changing who you are, righting the wrongs you've done, making peace with yourself is never easy but when you have an added layer of everyone telling you that you're less than they are, it seems nearly impossible.

We are told that everyone goes through things like this. That identity shifts and morphs. That you find who you are over the years, what you like, who you love, what you believe. Yet in knowing this, there are those of us who are alienated and left to struggle alone. Who can blame us for feeling angry? You hear its anger at other people, that its some grudge against people because we refuse to accept responsibility. I don't think that's always the case. Too often its anger at ourselves for being as we are. Too often it's choosing to say goodbye to life because the suffering we feel is too much to bear any longer.

I've fought for this long, and I don't intend to stop now. However, this is a time to say goodbye to parts of myself I haven't liked but couldn't let go of. There are things that I have liked about myself that are taking their leave because naturally, everything has its time. The child I was and the adult I am are so different than how I expected, but it's beautiful to watch who I'm becoming step into existence.

There have been scars, there will be more. There have been hard times, there will be more. Still, though it all, there have been wondrous times. There have been people I've had the pleasure of knowing that if this path had not been the one I chose, I never would've met. The hardest part of finding me is leaving behind who I was. But it's not a time of sadness. Its a time of celebration to moving forward and being something better.