To Love Again

Feel Again

"Grief never ends.....But it changes. It's a passage, not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith..... it's a price of love."

- Author Unknown

 Chapter Four

            Silences and loneliness is all I ever had at home, time to think about Dylan. I tried getting a hobby to keep my mind preoccupied, but it never last long. It’s just everything bought back memories of him, it was one thing nobody could ever understand. Why it was so hard to move on when everything reminded me of him.

            It was early morning and I still had a long while before I had to leave for work. It had been one of those nights, plagued with dreams of Dylan. That’s all they were, dream and nothing more. It had only been a week since his anniversary, and I was feeling worse than I have ever had.

            I looked at the basket of yarn and knitting supplies sitting in the corner of my bedroom. The half started scarf sitting on top, I only picked it up because it was something Dylan wanted us to do together.

Flashback

            "We should learn how to knit." Dylan said as we cooked dinner. I gave him a weird look and went back to chopping the vegetables.

            "Why?" I asked.

            "Well think about it, we live here in Portland and it gets cold. Wouldn't you want a knitted scarf or hat to keep you warm?"

            "Yes but you can buy that already made."

            "True but wouldn't you want to wear ones that were made by me. So that you can proudly show them off and say that this was made by my boyfriend?" I chuckled. "I would gladly wear something you made."

            "But what if it doesn't come out right?"

            "I would still wear it, because it was made by you. I would wear anything you make proudly." He smiled at me.

            "Even if it didn't fit you right?"

            "I would find a way to make it fit." He kissed my cheek, "So what do you say?"

            "Ok we can learn knitting." He chuckled as he hugged me.

            I picked up the scarf, I had started after he was deployed and stopped when I got the news he was killed in action. I had plans to give it to him when he came home. It wasn't good but I knew he would still love it. My eyes started to water as I brought the scarf to my chest.

            It was moments like this I hated to be home, everything in the apartment triggered a memory. At the same time I didn’t have the heart to get rid of anything that was Dylan’s. I was just basically living in a shrine to him, it was also the reason I didn’t want to move on. This was our place, this was going to be our home together, but it didn’t happen. All I was doing was living with a broken promise. I put the scarf back in the basket and got up to get ready for a long day at work.

            I walked to the nurse’s station and got to work, the faster I drowned myself in work the better. “Oh someone came looking for you yesterday.” Carrie said as she sat down next to me. I looked at her, “Oh by the way he was a very handsome man too.”

            “Ok yeah sure, no one ever comes looking for me.” I said as I picked up the chart I needed to start my rounds.

            “I’m being serious Raul, he had come in to have his stitches removed but he asked if you could be the one to do it. His name was Matt I think,” Carrie said as she tried to remember.