idk what this is

1:06 am

tonight is one of those nights where you can't sleep.

i closed my eyes in the darkness, trying to calm my nagging brain, which has been obsessing over every tiny mistake i've ever made. remember when you accidentally didn't hold the door for a girl? remember when your brother got mad at your and you didn't know why so you just cried? remember when your parents cried just because you wanted to die? remember when you made them pay thousands of dollars for you to go to a therapist, which isn't even helping but you're to scared to tell them? remember when people laughed at you? remember when people made fun of you to the point you cried in the bathroom for lunch? remember that didn't actually happen? remember when your mind thought up that people where staring at you and talking about you that you got to scared and ran to the bathroom and cried for the entire lunch?

yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes.

i do

i cant escape my thoughts but i can try.

i put on my damp boots and walked out of my silent house. i walked up the drive way surrounded by the freezing cold. i didn't feel cold. i felt nothing. trying to push my overbearing thoughts away. i wandered up and down my street for about 30 minutes. with each step i wanted to get further and further away. i wanted to get away. forever. i wanted to run out of town. i wanted everyone to forget about me. i wanted to sprint into nothing, with no plan and no life. but. i didn't. i turned around and started to walk back home. i felt my thoughts sticking back on to me with every step back. i opened and closed the door silently and walked back to my room. my room. my death trap and my wonderland. now i'm sitting on my bed writing this. i probably won't tell anyone about tonight. i probably will try to forget the thoughts of trying to run away. i probably will fail. i probably will pretend to be normal. i probably will fail.

i want nothing. i want everything. i want to die. i want to live. i want attention. i want to be alone. i want my thoughts to leave. i want them to stay. i want my scars gone. i want them to be there.

i don't know what i want.

i probably never will.

goodbye.

not forever.

just for now.