Ah, Christmas Day. My favorite time of the year! Gifts, dinner, friends, and family. Oh wait, I frowned. I don't have that anymore! My mom ran away with Mr.Man and his hippopotamus! I paced around the house, trying to think of what I could do about this. Aha! I could torture Jacob Fartorius!
I walked out into the snowy day and kicked Jacob's door so hard that it crashed to the floor. The alarm blared as I grabbed a rifle that was hidden inside the tissue box, and the sharpest knife in the drawer. I quietly stalked toward Jacob's bedroom and kicked his dead dog on the way. The alarm continued to scream but Jacob didn't say anything. When I came to his door, I had to pull out my oxygen tank from my back pocket because the stench was too strong. I sounded like Darth Vader but cooler as I deeply breathed. I aimed the rifle at the door lock and pulled the trigger, causing the door to open...Only for my eyes to behold the most scarring sight to ever exist.
"Sweatshirt" was playing, and Jacob was spinning around (still in his unholy Speedo) with his arms stretched out, farting with the beat. His crazy fans were bowing down to him as he did this. Photographs of Sidney Smith were in the center, filled with flames. Poisonous mistletoe plants with a suffocating smell were endlessly falling from the ceiling. Santa Claus himself was present, and although he was choking on spoiled milk, he was still trying to stuff his purple face with cookies. Donald Trump was sitting on the bed, smoking weed with Barack Obama. Some naked drunk guy was running around and screaming at the top of his lungs, "MERRY CHRISTMAS!" A dead lion was in the corner with a zebra head in its mouth. Matthew was rubbing his butt against the claws of the lion, and was playing Temple Run as he did this.
"BOI, that is literally the oldest game ever!" I shouted and made him download Temple Run 2.
"Hey, you could have knocked, you know," Jacob yelled and stopped spinning. He took a huge gulp from a bottle of vodka, pushed Donald Trump out the window, and sat in his spot.
"Hey, doofus. I just broke in to your house and an alarm is going off right now! What the heck is going on here?" I shouted over the noise. I glanced at the now dead Santa Claus and kicked his body out the window. "Is this what you do after every breakup?" I asked, impressed. I shot down the crazy drunk guy with my rifle and Jacob's fans screamed as they jumped out of the window.
"Emma, leave me to grieve in peace!" Jacob said sadly.
"Never!" I cried and grabbed my gasoline tank. I spilled it all on to the floor and grabbed Obama's lighter.
"What are you doing?" Jacob asked, his words slurred. When everyone in the room smelled the gas, they jumped right out of the window. Even the dead people/animals jumped out. The only people left were myself and Jacob.
"This is it. If I have to kill myself to kill you, it will be worth it. My name will go down in history as a hero!" I said proudly and turned on the lighter. I squeezed my eyes shut and let the flame touch the gasoline.
"NO!" Jacob screamed. He stumbled to the window and jumped out.
"Craaaaap!" I pulled out the helicopter from Jacob's closet and hopped in. I slammed the doors shut and flew out of the house just before it blew up. However, the tail was destroyed and the helicopter was flying down, heading straight for my new house! "Houston, we have a problem..." I called into the radio. To my surprise, El Chapo answered and gave me clear directions on how to land. I grinned and sped the helicopter so that it was heading straight to Jacob Fartorius. To my anger, he jumped away just in time, so I landed on Donald Trump's body. I got out of the chopper.
I fatally punched Jacob and he fell down . Ricegum sobbed with joy as Jacob's fans sobbed with sorrow. I went to the dead Santa Claus and said,
"My Christmas wish came true: Jacob Sartorius is dead once and for all!" I chugged eggnog and gagged.
That night, I slept well, content with my accomplishments for the day. When I woke up in the morning, I searched up Jacob Sartorius online and a link to his Twitter showed up. I clicked it, expecting someone to have used his account to announce his "tragic" death. But all I found was,
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I clutched my chest and collapsed as the heart attack hit me. I called the ambulance. "Help...I've fallen and I can't get up," I croaked. Five minutes later, the ambulance arrived, put me on a stretcher, and drove me to the hospital. I was in complete shock paralysis, meaning I couldn't move.
One year later, I heard a voice I never thought I'd hear again. It was that of Jacob freaking Sartorius, asking my nurse to let him in. He came in and smiled at me.
"Hi, Emma. I just came here to wish you a Merry Christmas!" And he set down a wrapped gift on my bedside. I couldn't move, and he noticed this, so he opened the gift himself.
It was a framed picture of him in a Speedo. I tried to scream as he set it into my paralyzed hands. He smiled sweetly at me and said, "Just so you never forget me!"
I mentally cursed him as he left. One day, I will kill Jacob Sartorius, I vowed to myself.
