How to Kill Jacob Fartorius
By That guy out your window
Published January 1, 2017 at 6:90 AM
Warning: Classified Information
Rumor has it that Jacob Sartorius, renowned fart champion, is invincible. The rumor spread when he was killed by his wife Emma Christmas last year...and survived.
I and many others have made it our new year resolution to kill this cringey boy, but first we had to figure out what made him invincible, so we had to go deep.
I had to go to dark places and meet many shady people to access this information, but I'm sure it will be worth it. In fact, most of it was inside the Illuminati Secret Headquarters (which is in Trump Tower). But anyway, here's what I found.
Apparently, Jacob Sartorius has been alive since 1776 A.D: the year the Illuminati was made. He went by the name 'George Washington' and changed names throughout history. The records show that when he killed off these secret identities that he used, he took another form. We also know he once took the form of Marilyn Monroe. We can tell that Jacob took these forms because these people farted endlessly. But there's a time in history-20 years- where he did not exist. This was from 1970 to 1990.
Going deeper, we see that these were the years that Jacob Sartorius did not compete in the annual Fartorius Competition that was founded by the Illuminati in 1776. So we must assume that he was "dead" during these years. So the theory is that the annual Fartorius Competition is what keeps him alive. This competition gives immortality to its winner for one year, and Jacob has won every single year... except 1969. In 1969, Jacob came second place to a girl named Loren Grey. Jacob was killed that year, but how he came back in 1990 is unknown.
When he came back he killed Loren Grey, the only person that ever beat him in the competition. We know that his superhuman farts must be taken away from him so that he can't win the competition, so he can die.
The door slammed open. Jacob strolled in and I quickly shut the laptop screen.
"Hey, what are you looking at?" he asked with a smile. I turned around and gagged before looking back at him.
"Uhhh..."
"You're not searching up how to kill me, right?" he said.
"Haha, of course not! Haha. Ha," I said with a sweet smile. "I was, um, searching up recipes!"
"For what?" Jacob asked and I glared at him.
"It's a surprise, now leave!" I said and pushed him out of the window. He crawled up the window sill but I turned and farted so that he fell off. "Recipe? Of all the things..." I rubbed my forehead and wondered what to make.
Something to cure his farts.
Yes! I swallowed 10 fart pills and a Tylenol to heal my aching butt from my fart. The dose of the farting pill was one pill, but that wasn't nearly enough for me. I would need at least one million pills to stop Jacob's farts once and for all.
I stepped outside and found a huge rocket ship with Jacob bent underneath it. It was pointed to the sky and had no passengers except one robot that looked exactly like Jacob.
"Three, two, one; blast off!" shouted a random voice and Jacob farted with all his might. The rocket flew into the air and out of sight.
"No way," I murmured. I looked around and swung a long pole in the air until a narwhal flapped its way to me. I sat on it and commanded it to follow the rocket. We flew into the air but the rocket was coming our way, back to Earth. I screamed and yanked the narwhal around so it was flying down to the ground, the rocket behind us.
