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"Ok, we have to go back now. There's two hours until the Fartorius Competition," Jacob said, and struggled to his feet. I kicked him back down.
"Listen to me, you little elf, you are not going back there. I will not let you live forever!" I shouted.
"Ok, chill, I'm sorry," he said with his hands raised in surrender.
"Yea, you better be!" I said.
"Well, what do we do now?" he asked and looked around the jet.
"I'm going to fart my way out of here, and you will stay here to rot forever and ever. Don't worry, I'll give anyone who bought tickets to your concert a refund. Bye!" I shoved my own stove into my mouth and it instantly started making burritos. I was just about to use my farts to fly when-
SO BABY WEAR MY!
"STOP SINGING!" I screamed. Jacob reached for his phone and said,
'It's just my ringtone! Calm down, woman!"
"Who the heck wants to call you right now?" I asked. He ignored me and groaned.
"Ughhhhh it's my ex, Ghida." He pressed Answer and said, "KILL YOURSELF, GHIDA!" before hanging up.
"Wow that was harsh," I commented.
"I hate her SO MUCH!!!" he screamed.
"OK NOW YOU HAVE TO CHILL!" I yelled. 'Why do you hate her so much anyway?"
"She was just so clingy, and she just told me she's coming to my concert-which is tomorrow. And she basically gave a whole speech about how she loves me so much, bought all my merch, and crap like that."
"Okay, first of all, how are you going to do a concert with a broken arm? Second of all, you were literally on the phone for one second. How did she give a whole speech???" I asked with disbelief.
"She has her ways," he said darkly. "And as for my concert, it's not like I'm gonna sing. It's just lip syncing. DUH!"
"Okay....Well bye!" I said and flew away.
Three hours later
The door to the house blew up just as I closed it, making me slam to the ground. I heard a loud CRACK and knew that my spine was snapped in two. A foot suddenly fell on my face, no, literally! The foot bounced off and fell next to me.
"WHAT THE HELL????" I shouted and tried to get up. I craned my neck and saw a fearsome girl with a turban on her head. She had a cape on with a big picture of Jacob's ugly face, and was holding speakers that were currently blasting "Hit or Miss."
"WHERE'S JACOB??????" she screamed and grabbed the back of my neck, which was surprisingly painful.
"OW OW OW OW! I'll tell you where, just let go, you maniac!" She let go and I rubbed my sore neck. "He's at some island. It's Kim Jong Un's vacation island, and he's in the private jet. And are you, by any chance, Ghida?"
The crazy girl twisted my leg and I screamed out. "Yea I am. I also know you're LYING! That's the fakest thing I've ever heard! Why would he be at some island? Tell me where he really is, or you're dead!"
"I swear to all burritos that he's on a jet on Kim's island. Now please stop trying to pull off my hair, because I don't have any!"
"Oh," Ghida said, and stopped pulling on the air around my head. "If I find out you're lying, all burritos on the Earth will be exterminated!"
"What about the ones on Mars?"
"There are none."
"That's what they want you to think," I said cleverly, or so I thought.
"Shut up, and tell me how to get there!"
"Take a flight to West Virginia, and jump off an hour through the flight," I said helpfully. She was just about to stomp out the door when-
SLAM!
Jacob threw himself at Ghida and punched her to the ground with his good arm, or at least he tried. Ghida grabbed his neck and held him above the ground as his face turned purple from lack of air.
"Yes! Kill him!" I cheered from the ground. Just as Jacob was about to faint, Ghida lessened her grip and-
Kissed him??????
"You're crazy!" I cried and Jacob thrashed around, but couldn't escape.
"Jacob! Stop it, I know you love me! I came all the way from Michigan to see you!" she said.
"Lol who even lives in Michigan? Virginia is where it's at boi," I said. She glared at me and hissed like a snake and opened her mouth to reveal snake fangs. I gasped and said, "Haha, I mean...Michigan is amazing! Great Lakes, and Ford, and yea..." Ghida turned around and let Jacob fall to the ground.
"Ghida," Jacob croaked and coughed, "we broke up thirty years ago! And why did you break my wife's spine? I came just in time! Good thing the Fartorius Competition was not as long this year."
"You won again???" I shouted. Jacob beamed.
"Yep! But they gave me infinite immortality since this is like, the ten billionth year in a row I've won. So now I'll never die!" he said proudly.
"Yes! We can live together forever now!" said Ghida. I rolled my eyes.
"Jacob, if you want to be a 'loving husband' then take me to a hospital, would you?" I asked and pointed to my broken back. "Oh and Ghida, whose foot is that?" I pointed to the lone foot by me.
"Your mom's. Once I found out that you married my Jacob, I hunted her down and made her tell me where you are. Let's just say, she needed a little...persuasion to tell me," Ghida said with an evil smile.
"So you're here to kill me?" I asked hopefully. Jacob Fartorius can never be killed, so what's my purpose in life anyway?
"Nope. I found Jacob, and he will hate me if I kill you."
"I already hate you," he pointed out. Ghida ignored him.
"UGHHHHH. Jacob, take me to a hospital!" I said.
"No can do, Emma. My concert is tomorrow and you have to be there!" he declared and went outside. A second later, he rolled in a wheelchair. "You'll have to use this for now."
"Jacob, put her in the hospital-hopefully they kill her-and I'll be at the concert!" Ghida said.
"Lol no. Bye Ghida!" Jacob pushed her out the door and slammed the door behind her. "Okay, I have to go prepare for the concert. Bye Emma!" He went out the back door so that he wouldn't see Ghida. I sighed and stuffed a burrito in my mouth and rubbed by aching back.
