Adolescent

XIX

We had sex this morning, shared a shower and now we are enjoying a breakfast of pancakes that he cooked. This is my life now, he and I screwing, eating, and the like. While the breakfast is delicious my mind is elsewhere. After seeing Fraya and hearing my own thoughts conclusion I now know the answer. I have the answer to my questions and his questions. But I prefer not to tell him what I know.

Shirtless in his denim jeans and barefoot he pulls me on top of him to sit on his bed with him. Just open your eyes Maia, not your mouth you've got a good thing going don't ruin it.

"You're quiet again.......I thought you were happy now." I force a smile. Don't open your mouth Maia. "This could be your life all the time. Waking up to me and breakfast." He smirks his two fingers holding my chin up. My god is eyes are electrifying and so enticing.

But none of this is even real. He says this only to pull me in deeper. But I can't have a relationship with this man who doesn't love me. I can't have a relationship with a man who can only commit to me with the words "I want you here." I need more don't I? Don't I deserve more? My frustrations of missing home, Fraya's visit and my own kick in the but with reality, I snap.

"No no, stop saying this Eric. I'm only 18! I can't move in with you! You know I can't move in with you! I should be at home still thinking about college and how soon I should be shopping for my dorm." I shouldn't be here I need to go home. I'm miserable obviously I need to go home with people who actually love me and don't have a problem with admitting it. Not to say he even does love me.

I rise from my place on his bed, "My parents are so upset with me about this! That bothers me and you don't seem to care at all."

"Of course I don't want it to upset you. But this isn't about everyone else."

"For me it includes them." I say emphasizing the word. "I want my parents to like you I want my friends to like you. I don't want to be in any rela--whatever the hell we are, with my family not liking you!" In any normal relationship you need to know about each other and each other's family.

He comes to me trying to shush me. He grabs at my chin and focuses in on my eyes. While I stare into his blue orbs trying desperately to keep from crying. He places his hand at the bottom of my spine trying to get me to focus as he always puts it. But this time I am focused.

"This isn't normal. And I know this is just your preference because some of your friends are married and still do what they do. BDSM, doesn't stop relationships, you are. You are stopping us from going anywhere. There is a guy out there that wants me and wants me completely. He doesn't just want my body or my obedience. Eric I can't....I'm not staying here...."

I step away from him grabbing some of my things. He watches not bothering to say anything. See, I get nothing maybe because he knows I'm right. Maybe that's why he wanted to know why I kept choosing him because it wasn't the wise choice. If he knew along and didn't tell me that I should go then I hate him.

"I've told you many times, you are the best I've ever had. I've told you that I want you here..."

I scoff. I need to hear something else. Please just say it.

"If that's not enough for you than..."

That's not what I wanted you to say...

"I'm going back home Eric. If you ever decide to grow up and be this amazing guy I know you can be I'm sure you will truly be happy. Maybe get a real job or even open your own restaurant. Either way I hope you find someone that had even an ounce of what we could have had. I hope you find happiness..." With that I scurry up a few things and practically run out of his room. Pulling up my jeans and putting on my sunglasses I hope he'll just come out and say it. Grabbing my bag and a few other things I run out the door. Still trying to get in my shoes I realize then he's not coming after me. I take my time then to walk to the bus my eyes finally releasing the tears I had been holding.