A Dim Love (Sequel Of Diary Confessions)

ADL #45: I Guess So

"Hoy!" gulat na napatingin ako kay Sandy. "Kanina ka pa tulala dyan?" sabay upo sa tabi ko. Andito kami ngayon sa dalampasigan. Nakaupo sa buhangin. 4:30 pa ng umaga.

"Iniisip mo siya o yung FO nyo?" napalingon ako sa kanya. Nakatuon ang atensyon niya sa dagat.

"Wala." sagot ko sabay tingin ulit sa dagat.

"Wala?" pansin kong nilingon niya 'ko pero nanatiling nakatuon ang atensyon ko sa dagat.

"Wala." ulit ko. "Nagmumuni-muni lang ako dito." sabi ko.

"And yet, you're thinking." sambit niya.

"Yeah. But not about them."

"Geuleomyeon nuga?" tanong niya.

*Translated: Then who?*

"Wala." sabi ko.

"Ayan ka na naman." bumuntong hininga ako tsaka hinarap siya.

"Look, Sandy, I'm not thinking about him nor my friend or whatever. I'm just imagining my future... with or without them." sambit ko tsaka tumingin ulit sa dagat. C'mon Sun! Come out! Where are you? Ba't ang tagal ata ng gising mo?!

"Easy for you to say." agad akong napalingon sa kanya. Nakatingin na siya ngayon sa dagat.

"Things are always easy to say but hard to do." dahan-dahan naman siyang tumango. "Pero hindi lahat ng gawain, mahirap." napalingon naman siya.

"What?" kunot noong tanong niya. Ngumiti lang ako. "You mean..."

"Yes." nakangiting tugon ko.

"You don't say." sambit niya.

"Yes." ulit ko. "My life isn't complete without them, but I'll make sure I will live with it. Life is not that easy to make old memories, new ones. You always treasure them. But making new memories is a lot of fun. Yes, our friendship is over, but our friendship is still part of my journey. It's just that, my new year is still composed of old memories..." sambit ko.

"And you're going to replace them?" tanging tango lang ang naisagot ko. Umiling siya habang mahinang tumatawa. "You're crazy. I know you can't do that." I smiled.

"I can. I always can." napatigil siya sa pagtawa at napawi ang ngiti. "Feelings change and so do people, Sandy." sambit ko.

"No. You're my cousin, I know you. I know everything about you." sita niya.

"Not everything." sabi ko.

"Why do you always say that? Kaya ka palaging natatalo eh. You always thought ikaw lang ang nakakaalam sa sarili mo. We're cousins, Zen. At alam namin kung kailan ka malungkot o masaya. Kung sa tingin mo hindi namin alam na nagpapanggap ka, you're wrong. We can read everything about you. Yang mga ngiti mo, mukhang totoo panoorin sa labas, but when we read you, it doesn't seem like it's true. Cause it's definitely not you. You always end up saying you're okay, but we always know, you're not. Sinasabi mo lang yan dahil ayaw mong pati kami malungkot at mag-alala.

"Do you think hindi namin alam yan? Zen, we're all connected. Kahit sabihin mong masaya at okay ka na, NO. Oo, aaminin ko, minsan, napaniwala mo kaming okay ka talaga pero nagtataka kami kung bakit parang kinakabahan kami. And there we realized, you're not okay. And I know hindi ganon kadali para maayos ka. You're alone at the same time broken. You need to get the pieces back together. Sa ayaw o sa gusto mo, we're going to help you. Kahit alam naming ang sagot mo ay HINDI; AYAW. But we're not going to let you decide this time.