Fıx you {H.S.}

1| Skinny Love

This chapter listen to Skinny love by Bon Iver (Or Birdy, but I prefer the Bon Iver version)
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My eyes snapped open and the darkness that was in the room enclosed me, making me sit up in alert. My breathing was fast and heavy and my hairline and forehead were damp with nervous sweat. I had had the dream again. The dream that was just a recurring memory that was slowly turning into a nightmare. I was at the park, swinging on the blue swing set with my dad pushing me from behind but then all of a sudden he stopped pushing me and when I turned around, he was lying dead on the ground. I screamed and jumped to his side, forcing his eyes open and his breath to start up again but nothing happened. He just lay there, already gone. And I started to cry and push at him, desperately wanting him to wake up and when I looked back, he was gone. But then, as I turned around, he was right behind me again. Alive. But his eyes were red and full of evil and he lunged forward to grab me, but then that was always when I woke up.

I reached to my left and gripped the glass of water that always sat on my night stand and warily took several steps, the cool water calming my body down. I then switched on the lamp beside me and closed my eyes and leant my head back on the wall, taking deep breaths. I didn't understand the recurring nightmares or why my dad was made to be some sort of devil, but they had been happening since I was 14. Every night, every year. I had a routine now for when I woke up from them at 2 am always. I would first drink some water, turn on my lamp, take deep breaths and try and relax and then read a story. The stories always helped to take my mind of off things and I went to sleep again with a new and fresh story in my head.

I pulled the covers back and pulled my long and skinny legs up to my chest before climbing out of bed. I walked over to my bookshelf which was stacked with many books, old and new, and slid my fingers across the spines of them all as I searched for a book to read. My bookshelf was the only thing in my room that was rightfully mine. Everything else was Phil's. He paid for the kind double bed, the black velvet curtains, the white leather couch, the clothes. Everything. But the books, they were mine. Phil had tried to buy me some books for my birthday, but they were stupid ones about fashion or high school romance. And I didn't want to accept them anyway because the only thing I did have control of in my life was buying my own books.

My hands stopped as they reached a purple colored spine of a book and I pulled it out before studying the cover; Peter Pan. I smiled to myself. Peter Pan was one of my all time favourites and this book I had had since I was three so the slightly ripped pages and faded cover also held many stories within themselves.

Satisfied with my choice, I padded back towards my bed and hopped back in before opening up the book randomly and starting to read. I read for what seemed like hours, but was only twenty minutes, on Wendy's departure from Neverland and shut the book before putting it on my nightstand. I then walked over to my window and peeled back my curtains and looked out the window, watching the night sky. The stars weren't bright. They hadn't been for a while now. But I tried looking for Neverland. Second star to the right and straight on 'till morning, I told myself as I continued to search.

Neverland would be a nice place to live, I decided. Peter Pan would be a nice friend. A nice boy to fall in love with. You'd never grow up, never be unhappy. I wanted to live there, more than anything. But I couldn't find it in the starry sky. I then wondered if that was where my dad was and I wondered if he was happy and if he had met Peter. But then the nightmare came back into my head and I heard myself scream as I shut the curtains and fell to the floor, clutching my head like the evil was trapped inside me.