Fıx you {H.S.}

13| Promise

"Okay, I want all the answers." Harry said to me as we drove to the carnival the next day. His voice was stern, but not angry. "And I'm not leaving till I get them."

I looked up at him. His fingers were tightly gripping the steering wheel and his gaze was focused ahead. But he was listening. He was waiting for me to speak and I was too, as I didn't know what to say.

"Look, Harry-"

"No. No, okay don't pull that shit with me. I want the truth. Every fucking thing. I need to hear it. I don't care what it is. I just need to hear the truth." Harry said, taking his gaze off the road to look at me briefly before returning it back to the road. "So just please, tell me."

I sighed and looked down at my jean-clad legs. "What do you want to know?" I asked him timidly, not really sure why I was still hiding things from him.

"Heather." Harry sighed.

I nodded to myself. "Okay." I said. "Okay, well. It all started four years ago - when my dad died."

I heard Harry's breathe catch in his throat, but he didn't say anything. I saw him just nod at me from out of the corner of my eye and I knew he was telling me to keep going.

I couldn't bring myself to look at him. I didn't know why I felt so ashamed, I mean I had told him the worst of everything yesterday and he hadn't run. In fact, he had promised he'd stay. But it was still uncomfortable having him find out more of my problems. Because people didn't belong to people, he could leave me any time he wanted.

"He was my best friend." I told him. "And when he died, I-I couldn't handle it. I couldn't handle not seeing him anymore and never hearing his voice again and I missed him. I missed him so damn much. I still do and I...." I paused, trying to pull myself together. But I felt the emotions coming back again. The emotions from the funeral and from the night he died and all the horrible, miserable feelings that I thought I had gotten rid of, reappeared.

I realised the car had stopped, and that we were outside the park holding the carnival. But Harry wasn't making any movement to leave. Instead, he just sat there staring at me as if everything I did or said made his whole world.

"I stopped eating." I continued, fiddling insanely with my fingers. "At first it was just one meal that I skipped. But then it lead onto more, and then it turned into a habit. I wouldn't have enough strength to go and eat food. I barely had enough strength to leave my room. I had this idea in my head that if I just didn't do anything, I'd fade away into nothing. And that was the theory I stuck with for years." I said, swallowing the lump in my throat. I could feel everything closing in around me like it was for those four years. The dark hole I sat in as I cried every night and swore and screamed. I thought it was starting to go away. When I met Harry, the darkness started to fade away. But now, just talking about everything seemed to make it come back again.

"And everyone left me. I became that person nobody wanted to know, or even see. All my previous friends left me and I started having problems at school as well as at home." I said in almost an echo. My eyesight, which was still on my legs, started to get blurry and I felt my face heat up. "I had nowhere to go that was safe for me. And then I started getting these dreams. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat. I couldn't do anything because I was trapped in my own fucking body. It was like fear was holding me back. But it was me. I was scared of myself. I hated myself. And each day I looked in that fucking mirror, I would burst into tears. Because I was horrible. I was disgusting. I had turned into a total beast and I knew my dad wouldn't have loved me if he had seen me. And I became obsessed with this word; lovely. I wrote it all over my mirror and I would try and do everything I could to become lovely, but I couldn't."

It was dead silent in the car and I wanted to look and see what Harry was doing. But I couldn't. I couldn't face him. But there was a part of me that really wanted him to know. So I kept going. "Then something happened. My mum, a broken shell of a mess, found Phil. Phil, the CEO of some company that I don't even know. And then all of a sudden, they're married. And then we're moving. And he's such a tool. I hate him. It's like as soon as my mum met him, she doesn't give a shit about me. She's changed. And throughout all this, she doesn't know about me. Because that's how fucking useless she is. And god dammit, I wish I killed myself that night. I wish I went through with it because I hate being here and I hate this place and I hate her. And-"

I couldn't finish my sentence. I had only just realised that I was crying. Wailing, just like I was yesterday. I held my knees up to my chest and cried into them, feeling like I was 15 again and like I was in my room, sitting across from the mirror. I felt clammy and hot, like something was enclosed around me and I couldn't get away from it. But my as I touched my arms, I found that they were ice cold. My throat was sore and raw from crying, but I kept going. And I was suddenly aware that I was screaming.

But then something happened, I felt arms wrap themselves around me and suddenly, whatever was enclosed around me before was gone and it was replaced by a secure warmth. I stopped screaming to hear Harry saying my name over and over and I opened my eyes, finally realising where I was. I wasn't in my room. I was with Harry. I was in his car and we were going to the carnival. He was standing outside my door, holding me tightly. I wasn't lonely. I had Harry. I was going to be okay.

I leapt up and wrapped my arms around Harry's neck, sobbing into his shoulder as he held me as tight as one possibly could manage. I wanted to hold onto him forever, as if just doing simply that would make up for all the loneliness in the past four years.

"Heather, everything's going to be okay." Harry whispered into my shoulder, squeezing me so tight, I thought I'd break in two. "I promise you."

I gripped onto his back, as if it was the only thing holding me up. "Promise?" I repeated in barely a whisper.

Harry turned my head to his and wiped away the tears forming in my eyes. He stared lovingly into my eyes and eventually, his green orbs started to turn blue as they mixed with my own colour and he grazed my cheeks with his finger soothingly.

"I said it yesterday, and I'll say it now. I'm never leaving you. You're okay now, Heather." He said before leaning in and gently pressing his lips to mine. I reached up to feel his lips more and he pecked me lightly before pulling away and resting his forehead on mine. He smiled slightly. "Wanna go play games with me?"

I smiled and nodded gently, as his head was still resting on my own. "Yeah." I mumbled.

Am I crazy for shipping my own figments of my imagination? Probably. On a serious note something I want everyone to gain from this chapter is eating disorders isn't just a matter of eating. Whether it's anorexia like Heather has, binging, purging, or all the other dozens of eating disorders out there, there's always a cause. It could be a traumatic event, bullying, being unhappy in your body, or millions of other reasons I can't name, but I'm sure people are going through. Once someone has started their eating disorder they can't just stop or eat because they have trained their body and mind into thinking that they can't eat. Most of the time people with these disorders know they have a problem, but once they're sucked into the black hole that is their disorder it seems impossible to get out. Sometimes in today's society these disorders are romanticized, and that is in no way what I am trying to do with this novel. This novel was written to show that not every relationship is smooth sailing. In no way do I want this to cause anyone to consider starting an eating disorder (Not that you can decide to start one anyway). If any of you need help, or just someone to talk to without judgement, my dms are always open.