Visions

Nineteen: Loss

Ezra glanced over towards Kanan, who stood on the other side of the hologram before looking down, confused. What he was feeling--it wasn't right. He looked back at his master, to see him stiffen. Then he felt the pain, and put his hand to his forehead, stumbling backwards, gasping for air. When he looked at Kanan, he noticed that he was going through the same thing, leaning against the table. "Kanan? What's going on?"
"It's..." his master didn't finish, shaking his head. He tried again. "It's a disturbance."
Ezra gasped as he realized why he was feeling like this. "Arene..."
Kanan nodded sadly. "She's gone."
Ezra looked around the circle.
Sabine's hand had come to her mouth, and she was looking at Ezra, her eyes portraying what her mouth couldn't. Hera looked completely stunned, and closed her eyes. Ezra could sense her pain.
Zeb stood to her left, eyes down, ears wilted. "You mean she's...dead?"
Ezra nodded, then cleared his throat. Even then, his voice was a mere whisper. "Yes."
Hera moved slightly, placing her hand on his shoulder. "I'm sorry."
Ezra didn't know what to feel. If he had gone looking for the girl...
He voiced his thoughts. "This is all my fault." Sabine and Zeb looked up, startled. "If I'd gone after her, she'd still--"
"No, Ezra," Kanan answered. "This wasn't your fault. You know we had to go to Geonosis. We did all we could, sending the search party."
Hera joined in. "It was her decision to leave, and if she didn't want to be found, you wouldn't have found her."
"I could have," He argued. "And you didn't really need me on Geonosis. I should have stayed."
"Ezra." He turned to Sabine, who shook her head. "It wasn't your fault. She made her choice."
Ezra bowed his head, and turned away. When Sabine made to follow, he raised his hand. "I just need some time to think."
~//~
Kanan felt his wearied padawan walk away. He had been planning to talk to the boy about Sabine and him today, but not anymore. This was enough for the day.
Kanan knew that deep inside, Ezra still believed it was his fault. And he understood that. He remembered the feeling of responsibility he had carried as a burden for years after his master was killed. The knowledge that if he'd stayed, the future could have been different. If he hadn't run. If he'd stayed and fought. If...
Those 'ifs' had hung over his head for so long, and he realized that it was a bit ironic that his release was thanks to the Grand Inquisitor, who had tried to use that as a means to make Kanan break. He had utterly failed, because Kanan had realized there was something stronger than regret, stronger than fear. The Force.
Kanan started to follow the boy, and turned his head towards where the hologram of Lothal still hung. "Sato, finish the meeting. I'll go talk to Ezra."
~//~
Kanan found Ezra standing on a small rise, staring out over the land. He didn't look at him as he approached. Before Kanan could even say a word, Ezra spoke. "You know how I feel."
It wasn't a question.
"Yes."
"Could I have saved her?"
Kanan sighed. "Maybe. But as Sabine said, she made her choice."
Ezra finally turned to him. "You know, in my vision, she spoke."
Kanan didn't answer, so Ezra continued. "She said, 'Ezra Bridger, save me!'. But I didn't."
"You did before."
"Not when it really counted."
"Ezra." He heard in his own tone, the sympathy he felt for this orphan who was so alike himself.
Ezra caught his breath, and turned to Kanan, giving him an unexpected hug.
After a moment, Kanan returned it.
He had never thought of Ezra as a son, but the bond between a padawan and master was just as strong. He believed that the only difference was the fact that a master was able to let go of their padawan, surrender them to the Force if they passed.
When Ezra finally pulled back, Kanan could feel his heart was lighter. "Thanks, Kanan."
Kanan smiled. "Anytime, kid."
They turned back to the base, and started walking down the hill together.
~//~
Inside the narrow cave, the spiders kept coming, but the Sith Lord felt no fear. His newly-constructed lightsaber flew out before him in a flash of crimson light that illuminated the cavern, killing the spider behind him. They could feel his darkness, and it drove them mad.
He grinned and spun as three came at him at the same time, lekku flying back behind him. The creatures each fell in two pieces, dead.
He loved this feeling of power, strength, and immortality he felt, even though he had only began to train his weak body. The freedom of movement from the shackles of the dark was an amazing feeling. How many years had he been in exile? He'd never counted.
What was the use, when he knew he would be free again someday?
He jumped into the air, landing atop one of the spiders, and drove his blade deep within its body. As the life left the animal, the Sith felt his powers increase.
He grinned again, watching his revenge move closer with every accomplishment. Yes, his enemy's would feel his wrath, and there would be no escape.

If you ignore the past, you jeopardize the future.
~Jedi Proverb