My Other Half...

Chapter 18: In Too Deep

~Tessa~
It was early in the afternoon and I had fallen asleep on the couch. When I woke up my mom was sitting next to me.
"Hey beautiful... how are you?"
She had sadness settled behind her eyes.
"I'm okay, what's wrong?"
"Did he hurt you...?" She said with a squeaky voice.
"In what way?" I asked. He obviously hurt me, I still have scars.
"Did he force you to do something you didn't want to do..."
"You have to be more specific mom.."
"Did he rape you...?" She looked terrified.
I said nothing.
"Tessa, did he?" She asked holding back her tears.
"Yes."
She let out a breath and broke down in tears.
"Tessa....my baby..." She cried so hard. Harder than I've ever seen her cry. Seeing her like that made me start crying. I fell into her and just cried.

"I'm so sorry...it's all my fault." She cried.

"How is it your fault, you didn't tell him to do that to me. You did all that you could... You saved me at the beach house and you made sure that I was safe as soon as you could. I will never think that any of that was your fault. I know that you want me to always be safe and I know that you love me. And I love you, don't ever think that you put me in danger because all you do if give me love and affection and I couldn't ask for anything better. I don't ever want you to think anything differently. I love you so much mommy... I really do." I said snuggling into her more. I could feel her chest jumping as she cried harder.

"Please stop crying mommy..." I said trying to console her.

"I'm just so lucky that you're mine." She said through her tears.

"I'm the lucky one." I replied.

"I love you too by the way." She finished.

I knew that she felt bad about what had happened, but in all honesty, there was nothing more she could've done. All in all, she saved me and I am grateful for that. The thought of never being able to lay in her arms again was a thought I pushed far back into my mind, into the deepest corners. The corners I never want to have to explore or come by. I never understood why Ryan did the things he did, but I guess it didn't matter anymore because he was gone and I was happy that he could no longer hurt me or be a problem in our lives. It hurt to think that my mom was placing the blame on herself when Ryan was the one that caused all the hurt and the pain. He's the only one to blame in this situation.

As for me, the feelings come and go like seasons. One minute I could be happy and full of life, the next I am drowning in the darkness that consumes my once happy thoughts. I continue to see his face, his body hovering over me like a dog. His breathing heavy and deep as he forced himself inside me. The pain was something I'd never felt before. Pressure, heat, stinging. Like someone was pulling me apart in two. I felt helpless under the weight of his body. Crushing me like a grape, leaving me motionless and unable to fight back. Telling me how good it felt, telling me how much I reminded him of my mom, telling me he loved me. The words spilled out of his mouth like an acid spill, pouring out onto me and covering me in poison, burning through my skin. His hands gripped around me tightly, giving me little space to move. I couldn't even cry, there was nothing left of me after he had taken over me. No emotions, no feelings, no thoughts. Just darkness, and nothing more than that. Sometimes someone hurts you so bad, that eventually it just stops hurting. Every word, every hurt, every emotion, digging into me. Scarring me and taking what bit of happiness I have left and during it to dust.

But I couldn't tell her that. Never. It would crush her. I couldn't do that to her. I wouldn't even if I could, even if I wanted to.

Sometimes I begin to wonder what her life would be like if I was never born. Would she be happier, knowing that she wouldn't have to worry about me being in danger. Would she be able to move freely through her life, paying attention to herself and my dad.