Far Away From Here

Vulnerable

Louis took me to a 24/7 café that was two blocks from our work.

I ordered a coffee, which he insisted he pays for. Yet, when he looked down to look at their array of baked pastries I slipped the woman a ten note to cover our two drinks and whatever treat he chose, whispering for her to keep the change.

The café was "cutesy-wutesy", and Louis was a dark contrast to the bright interior. The walls were minimal and a sharp, crisp white. The space was decked out in greenery and brass iron lights that just screamed gentrification in this type of area. We sat down in the most secluded spot we could find, hidden in the corner next to the large bay windows and beside two large fig trees."Here, help yourself." He said pushing the apple pie he had chosen in my direction. Passing me a fork he must have picked up for me."Oh, I'm not too hungry thank you though." But almost comically, my stomach rumbled loudly causing the direct attention of Louis' gaze. Knowing I had no other choice, I picked up the silver fork and smiling a tight grin. I just have never been comfortable eating around people, I felt as if I was a freak show act. Especially, in front of men. I hated it, I hated being that type of girl, even with Jonas' it took me almost a full year to muster up the bravery. Maybe it was from years of being under the watchful eyes of my parents. Almost as if hearing my inner-monologue he spoke."So what's your family like? George was cool so I can only imagine the rest of them." This is the deciding factor do I tell him how awful my parents were, how I lived in the shadow of my brothers? No of course not.

"Yeah, they're pretty alright. George and I are the closest, even though were the farthest in age." After probing, I told him about my other brother Alfie, who was six years older than me and six years younger than George. Missing out the point that everything in my parent's life had to be exact. My parents never told me why they had the children perfectly spread out but over the years I had come up with theory it was so they would have enough time to mold us into their perfect little minions before starting on the next one. "So enough about me, what's your family like?" Quickly changing the subject from me.

Louis then began to describe my dream childhood. He grew up with a loving mother, who cared about their interests and passions. He told me how she was his main supporter when he decided he was going to train to be a tattoo artist instead of furthering his academic education. He also had four sisters, which was dreamy to me. I longed for a sister when I was a child, still, do. Someone to relate to and have as a companion that would understand what I was going through. 

The only woman I had was my mother. Who the only similarities we had were our slender nose that draws the path to our similar pouty mouth. As well as the fact that we skipped the nut section in the grocery store and are both not a fan of horror movies.

The mood suddenly changed as he told me about the death of his mom and sister Fèlicité. My heart wrenched for him, imagining how hard that must have been for him. Especially being the eldest in the family and your younger siblings looking to you for support."It just happened so fast my mom got diagnosed and then it just happened; but with Fiz." He paused taking a large breath and quickly diverted his eyes. My hand without hesitation grabbed ahold of his and I began drawing circles on his thumb with mine. "With Fiz, there was no preparation like there was for my mum. One moment she was there and the next she was not." I listened intently, wanting to give him some sort of emotional support- especially because I couldn't wrap my head around what that must feel like. I had only lost my grandmother but I was young and with my family, dynamic everyone acted like it was completely normal.

"But you know it's fine though now, the twins are with their dad having a great old time and Lottie is attending the London College of Fashion. You'll have to meet them soon, I think you'd hit it off with Lottie." I smiled in response still trying to prosper how vulnerable he just was. I never disclosed anything really with anyone.Maybe this was different though, maybe I could be vulnerable with Louis.