My Rockstar || (n.j.)

Chapter 17

WARNING: this chapter may have some triggering things in it. Read at your own risk

He most certainly did not have it. Throughout the next couple of weeks, I could see him worsening. He would have incredible mood swings, and then his siblings would lash back. Kane wouldn't, and I think he had some idea of what was going on with his brother. Nick and I would talk about, discuss the options in helping him, but I also didn't want Austin to feel like I went behind his back with this. I had no idea how he'd react.

His first suicide attempt was a month after Valentine's Day, and it was the most horrifying thing I had ever seen. I saw him in the bathroom with a pistol to his head. The one we had strictly for a break in or self defense, and Nick and I were the only ones who could touch it.

"Austin....honey, give mama the gun." My voice was shaking as I inched toward my son, and he was crying like I'd never seen him cry before. His hand was shaking, but he wouldn't lower the gun from his head. I slowly pried it from his hands, putting it safely on the counter as I hugged him tightly.

"I don't want to die mom. I can't deal with this pain anymore, it hurts so bad." This had to've been developing for quite some time, and we had never noticed it.

"It's okay baby. We can get you help, I promise you that. And I will do anything that I have to to keep you from ever doing this again. Is it alright if we talk to dad tonight? Just the three of us?" I looked into his watery eyes, wiping the tears from his cheeks. My son nodded and put his arms around me again, sobs racking his entire body.

"I hate it." He cried into my shoulder.

"I know baby. Sshhh, it'll all be okay." I shushed into his ear, rubbing his back in circles to get him to calm down a little. I helped him to his room, and he laid down in bed, telling me he was going to try and sleep for a bit. Once I closed his bedroom door, I leaned against it and took a few deep breaths, not totally sure what to do.

I went downstairs, and I could hear a movie playing in the basement. I snuck down three just to see, and Lexi and Kane were watching a movie together. I thanked the Lord that they had no idea about what just happened. Aster, I assumed, was in her bedroom playing. I went up to the bathroom and took the gun off the counter, going into the bedroom to put it back in its case and lock it up.

The rest of the day was rocky from there. I had checked up on Austin a few times to make sure that he was okay. I called Nick right after I got myself together.

"Katy. What's wrong?" He asked me, his voice concerning. I blinked back more tears, wiping with my sleeve.

"He tried to kill himself today Nick. It was so, so damn scary." I shifted the phone in my hand, and that's when I realize I had been shaking. I tried to stop but it was almost impossible.

"Let's go talk to him when I get home, okay?" It seemed like I waited ages for my husband. When he was finally home, we went up to Austin's room.

"Come in." The voice on the other side of the door was broken, so I closed my eyes briefly before opening the door. Austin was sitting on his bed, watching tv. When he saw Nick and I, he paused it. I sat on the bed and Nick sat in the desk chair.

"How're you doing buddy? Your mom told me what happened this morning." Nick looked our son in the eyes and I saw tears welling up in Austin's eyes.

"I just want the pain to go away dad. I don't want to die. I swear." He was getting defensive. My son looked at me for some sort of go ahead, and I nodded.

"It's okay." I whispered.

Austin told us everything. From what he was feeling, to his thought process up until the attempt. Nick intently listened the entire time, and I had already heard all of this, but I listened, picking up more things.

"Your mom and I will talk about it and see what the best option for help is. Would you be alright with counseling?" Nick said to him softly. Austin looked between the both of us, and he was crying full force by now. He only nodded and my husband stood up, opening his arms. Austin got up quickly and hugged his father, crying even more.

"It's alright. I'll do everything I can to protect you and save you Austin. I can promise you that."

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