My Rockstar || (n.j.)

Chapter 48

"Baby girl. You weren't planned, but you most certainly are not a mistake." Nick explained to our daughter. My eye traveled up and down his physique, and I noticed that for the first time he's wearing sweatpants. That's all I'm thinking as my daughter is crying in front of me.

"Not planned? What's that mean?" Aster asked. We looked at each other and he drew in a sharp breath.

"Mommy and I. Well-"

"We didn't really think we'd have another baby after your big brother, but you were a surprise. The best surprise mommy could've ever asked for." I giggled, pulling her onto my lap and tickled her sides.

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Nick pulled me as close as we could be. His lips explored my neck and shoulder, and I bit my own lip, tipping my head back.

"Please..." I asked with minimal breath left. I gave him my all once again.

The next morning, my eyes widened as I remembered what had occurred between my husband and I the night before. We had no protection. Nothing. Zip. I felt him stir next to me, his breathing deep. The feeling of Nick's hand grazing my skin gave me goosebumps.

"God, you're amazing." He said in my ear, kissing it. I laid on my back and he hovered over me. I put my hands on his bare arms, running them up and down. As he kissed my neck just like I loved, I couldn't get my head straight.

"What? What's wrong baby?" He whispered, looking into my eyes. His gaze searched my face. Looking for something, anything.

"What are you thinking about? Talk to me." He pleaded.

"Last night." I drew in a breath, staring at him.

"We didn't-"

"Nope." I bit my lip in, running my hands over his chest and shoulders.

"Nothing's going to happen. And if it does, well, we'll deal with it then." He assures me softly, smiling. I cupped his face in my hands, the tips of my fingers playing in his chocolate hair.

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After she calmed down a bit, we all sat down for a family dinner. Something that doesn't happen very often in this house anymore. Everyone discussed what happened in this past week, and what's coming up for this next week. I had the boys clean up tonight, and Nick and I headed to bed early. Just to have some time to ourselves, I suppose.

In the bedroom, I put on one of his shirts and went in the bathroom to brush my teeth. I watched his reflection in the giant mirror as he stood at the end of bed, stripping to just his underwear. I wiped my mouth off and joined him in bed.

"Thank you, again, for making my birthday so amazing." He kissed the side of my head, attention on the movie we're watching.

"You're welcome. Just wait until next year." I winked, getting comfortable against him under the covers. After sometime, it got darker in the room, the tv played softly, and my husband's arms were wrapped around me, my back against his chest and torso.

At around four in the morning, I woke up, sweating. This is the first one I've had in about a year. Why are they still happening? I sat up in bed, turned the lamp on, and couldn't stop my shaking. I cried tiredly, and it felt as though my chest physically hurt. Nick woke abruptly.

"It's okay. Sshhh, you're okay. No one's here to hurt you. It's just me." He put his strong arms around me, trying to make me feel better. Usually, it'd work. This time, my nightmare was about my abortion. God, I hate even thinking about it. I choked more tears out, breathing out shakily.

"I hate it. So fucking much. I am so, so done." I let my entire body just relax, almost go limp all together. I was so tired, drained, and just over all exhausted.

"What would you say if.......I thought about killing myself?" I asked.

"Katy, you're delirious." He stated.

"No, serious." Silence. Long, heavy breathing filled silence.

"Just forget it." I sighed, my arms and hands still slightly shaking. I could see Nick's eyes scanning me, and I looked at him.

"Talk to me." He whispered.

"Nothing to talk about. Just the usual." I slowly laid myself flat in bed, but then curled myself in a ball. Nick touched me, and I actually flinched. I can't believe it.

"I...I'm sorry I didn't mea-"

"It's okay. I love you, and I can help you." Now, slowly, did he move his arm around my middle, letting me adjust.

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