That Lost Feeling {OUAT fan fiction}

Chapter 11

'Doing what you like is freedom, liking what you do is happiness.'

-unknown

The weird thing is that every time Hook and I kiss it feels so familiar. The way his lips move on mine, the fire he leaves burning my skin when he touches my body and even the intense way he can look into my eyes that makes me drown. Everything feels right with him.

I’ve never believed in happy endings. I always felt like the world doesn’t work that way. We don’t always get what we want. If we did, there wouldn’t be cancer, no murders and everyone would end up happy. But that is not how life is like. But only now, looking into Hooks eyes, I believe, even if it is for one second that I can have my happy ending. That they exist and that it is waiting for me around the corner. Waiting for me to take it.

Maybe I was wrong. Maybe happy endings aren’t for everyone. Maybe you first have to believe in them before you can get them and maybe you even need to work for it.

I can still hear the words in my ear like he is whispering them over and over again. I can’t help it but I can’t break free even though everyone is getting a head start on us. I’m trying to press myself against him as close as I can and my hands all over him, as his hook creeps under my shirt, leaving goose bumps instead of fire.

I love you...

Somehow, I manage to pin him against a tree, which I didn’t even know was there, without breaking our kiss and I don’t remember why we are in the woods. I don’t even remember where we are until a small part of my brain reminds me of something I’m about to do –what ever it is- which makes my stomach twist in an awful kind of way and my hands are starting to shake a bit. Then I pull away and as I catch my breath after our, may I say, most intense and best kiss ever, I remember why I’m here. In the woods. In Neverland.

I’m about to kill Peter Pan.

A villain. He is a murderer, an awful person and a threat to my and everyone’s life. He doesn’t deserve to live any longer. He has to be stopped.

But he is also a boy. I know he is not really a boy. I know he once was an adult, but when he came here and decided to stay, he became a boy again. How can I kill a boy, doesn’t matter how twisted, who is a just like I was when I was his age. A lost kid, who needed to find a way back. It took me years to do that, in fact I’ve just managed to do it, so how can I blame him that he haven’t?

No, it is kill or be killed.

Just a minute ago, after Hook told me he loved me, I thought that I’d have to do anything to stay alive and now I’m making excuses not to. Because if I don’t kill him, I’ll die. Even if I get out of Neverland alive, he will come after me, knowing I will always be a threat to him.

‘You okay?’ Hook asks worried as he sees my big terrified eyes and it takes everything of me to suppress another panic attack. I shake my head, as an answer and he pulls me into an embrace as the tears are starting to float. I don’t cry very often, even after my mother died the tears were kept in. But I can’t, I can’t, I can’t…

‘I can’t do it, Hook.’ I say as I cry into his shoulder and my breath become uneven and they come out faster as they should. I feel his lips touching my hair, trying to comfort me, although there is no use. The panic attack is just minutes away.

‘It’s okay love, I’ll be there.’ He says, but that comment makes it even harder to breath and me voice high-pitched. I feel utterly weak and helpless.

‘No, you can’t! He’ll use you to get to me or the other way around!’ I say, almost shouting in desperation. ‘He’ll kill you.’

He takes my face into his hand and hook and forces me to look into his eyes. Which totally distracts me from the matter by the way.