That Lost Feeling {OUAT fan fiction}

Chapter 17

I hadn’t heard his car driving into my driveway. I didn’t hear the door slam shut. I didn’t hear his footsteps coming closer. It al must have been there, because the man who raised me, grey hair and all, is standing in frond of me with tons of emotions crossing his face. I was so preoccupied with my self pity, my selfishness and my problems I didn’t notice any of it. Now I’m staring at my father, the one who I probably put though hell, even though I didn’t want to and I see all the emotions I wasn’t ready to see.

Surprise, disbelieve, relieve, disbelieve again, anger and surprise once again.

It’s too soon.

I don’t have a story to tell him. I don’t have anything to tell him.

‘Carrie.’ He says again and I suddenly notice he looks years older since a week and a half ago. More wrinkles than before, they mark the concern he must have had and the grief  that he had had the last six years. Even his hair seems to have more grey strands. I don’t know what to say, I’m a statue, my feet seemed to be glued onto my porch.

‘Is this real?’ He asks blinking his eyes a few times; apparently to make sure he is awake.

‘This is real dad.’ I barely whisper. ‘I’m here.’ My voice breaks and my eyes feel watery once again. He opens his arms and I don’t hesitate to fall right into them. I didn’t realize until now how much I have missed him. I’ve been too preoccupied with being able to see him again, that I hardly had time to miss him.

‘I’m so sorry.’ I sob into his shoulder.

‘Me too.’ He says into my hair.

We just stand there, embraced and I have never felt so awful before. Okay, maybe when my mom died. There is a big lump forming in my throat, making it hard to breathe evenly and I try not to flinch when I think of the emotions dad would feel right now. I can’t help but to shudder briefly, but he is shaking hard because of soundless tears that he doesn’t notice. Now tears start to fill up my eyes and I start sobbing once again.

I need to think of a story now. As in right now.

‘Dad, I am so sorry.’ I repeat with a rasping voice, like I haven’t drunk anything in the last three days.

‘I know honey.’ He answers, his voice breaking. ‘Let’s go inside okay?’

He doesn’t really wait for an answer, I doubt I would’ve been able to give him one anyway and he opens the door, which is still unlocked and escorts me inside with his hand firmly on my back. Like he needs the reassure himself I won’t vanish in frond of his eyes.

Get a grip on yourself, Carrie. I tell myself. The story I have to tell him isn’t only going to have an influence on my for the rest of my life, but also on the friends I left behind a few blocks away. I really do hope they don’t come looking for me. I hope either Ian or Tinkerbell is sane enough to understand I ran into someone. I hope they do me a favor and stay where they are.

Somehow, when the door closes behind me again, I can’t help but feel trapped. Trapped into my own house. It would’ve been better for me to have this conversation in my dad’s house. Then I could leave when ever I wanted to with any excuse. Now I can’t exactly throw him out.

Dad pushes me unto the couch, my couch I have to remind myself, and sits next to me taking my hand. I almost start to sob again but this time because I am reminded of the last person to hold my hand like this. Pain aches though my chest and I’m not sure how much more I can take. I just want to sleep.

I almost start to laugh because I can think of Hook at this moment, but I bit my tongue. It is all so ridiculous.

‘Carrie, sweetheart, I know this must be hard for you, but can you tell me what happened?’