That Lost Feeling {OUAT fan fiction}

Chapter 4

It isn't what we say or think that defines us, but what we do.

-Jane Austin

It is really dark now and after some time the fire is going. I’m sitting near it, staring at the flames. It always fascinates me. How the flames catch around them, licking the wood, turning it dark. How it is uncontrollable, but at the same time completely controllable.

It is just now, I can’t help but to think of my father. The entire day, I’ve tried to forget about it. And I’ve been pretty preoccupied so that wasn’t hard. But now, I feel awful. Tomorrow, he will call me again, to wish me a happy birthday and then he will find out, I’m not at home. What will he think? Will he call the police? Being afraid he’ll lose the last family he has left? I could never leave him like that. Yes I hate my life sometimes, but that doesn’t mean I would leave him all alone, while he is still mourning over my mothers death. Maybe I don’t deserve the price of daughter of the year, but I still care about him though. I feel like crying now, but I won’t. Not only because I want to be strong, but mostly because Hook sits down next to me, pulling his sac –or whatever- closer to him.

‘I wasn’t suspecting to have company tonight, so I only have one blanket. Which I don’t mind sharing.’ He says with his trademark smile of his and I roll my eyes to him. This time I won’t let him get into my head. Although I have to admit he is better company than Pan.

‘I bet you don’t’

He gets out the blanket and drabs it over the both of us. Then he takes out his flask and takes a gulp of its contense and holds it up to me.

‘Sure you don’t want to?’ To my surprise I take it. The substance burns in my throat but I ignore it and take another zip. I’m not really a drinker to be honest. And now I feel so bad, that I’m drinking with a pirate. It won’t even be hard for him to get me drunk, if I didn’t had some dignity left.

‘So what triggered this turn around? Not that I mind. I don’t like drinking alone.’ Hook says leaning in a little bit closer so he can look me in the eyes.

‘Only I bet you mostly drink alone.’ I say to avoid his question, only I said exactly the wrong thing. I can see it in his eyes. Pain. Loss. Crap, what did I say? Then it hits me. What he didn’t want to tell me earlier.

‘You’ve lost someone.’ It’s not a question really. More like a statement.

‘Don’t we all?’ he says, taking the flask from me again.

‘What happened?’ I ask and I sincerely want to know. This feeling I get with him. Like he got hurt so much, he put on this attitude, this mask, just to protect himself from caring. He sights and watches the flames so I can examine his face without him noticing. His dark hair makes his eyes really stand out and when he smiles… well, that doesn’t need more explanation.

‘You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.’ I say before he says anything. ‘I just want you to know that you can.’ I shrug and look at the flames as well. Then the silence carries on and I can feel his eyes on me. They literally burn through my face and then I look up. I see this expression I can’t explain and I feel a frown forming.

‘What?’

‘Nothing. It’s just that you’re the first person to ever say it like that.’ When my frown doesn’t go away he continues. ‘You don’t insist.’ He says rolling his eyes to me. I never thought about it like that. It’s just, if you leave the choice to people, the are more likely to tell you the truth. And if they don’t, well, that’s fine. Although not everyone is like that. Most people just can’t help themselves.