Silent Cries ☾N.H.S

03| you deserve better

❝tears well up in her eyes,
but she can't cry.
someone may discover her smile is a disguise.❞

A/N: thank you all so much for reading, you're incredible

☾ 03 ☽

One part of my brain told me, it's going to be okay. The other told me, it's never going to be okay, I killed him.

I checked the clock on my wall, it read 11:55 p.m. Five more minutes until Carter would show up. I didn't feel like seeing him, didn't he know it was just to early?

I ate a big sub sandwich for dinner that my dad had made for me. My parents had given each other strange glances when I excused myself, they probably weren't sure if they should leave me alone.

I hugged Harvey close to my chest, he squirmed and bit at my wrist with his sharp little teeth, I looked down and saw blood push it's way up from the wound.

"Harvey, you bad puppy." I put him down on the floor and got up, walking to the bathroom across the hallway and opening up a large bandage- since there was no little ones left. I stared at my reflection, I had a messy bun on my head, and a baggy sweater with my black pajama shorts underneath.

As I covered up the wound, and put away the little box containing bandages I felt hands go around my sweater. He lifted me up gently, his hands softly touching the skin on my legs as he did so. I inhaled a musty aroma of pine with a dash of something sweet like snickerdoodles.

"Niall?" I asked softly, my heart picking up it's pace.

Suddenly the aroma left, and instead I smelt a different aroma of harsh cologne. "It's me Carter."

He placed me back down on the ground, and turned me around to face him. "Niall's gone, babe."

"I-I know that." I could see now that it was Carter, his black hair blending in with the shadows. He had leaves in his hair, probably from climbing the tree infront of my sister's window. She was downstairs, so I had left her window open for him.

"Thanks for the flowers." I twisted my hands together awkwardly.

"You're welcome." He grabbed my hand and pulled me across the hallway and back into my room.

He stopped and let go of my hand, sprawling out on top of my bed. I followed his actions and looked up at the ceiling, the white words still painted up there. I glanced over at him to see if he noticed them, but he seemed unfazed. Maybe I have better vision than him in the dark.

"What were you bandaging in the bathroom, did you get hurt?" He turned on his side as he spoke the words.

"Oh, nothing." It wasn't really something big, just a scratch.

He grabbed my wrist and yanked the sweater's sleeve up exposing the big bandage across my wrist.

"Dammit, I knew you were covering up something in the bathroom." He sighed.

"What the fuck are you talking about, it's just a scratch from Harvey."

"Don't lie, I know it's hard to lose a friend, fuck he was my friend too, but you shouldn't harm yourself, Halo."

I felt my jaw drop. "Carter, I didn't cut myself- Harvey did this." I pointed at the bandage incredulously.

"It's okay, just don't do it again." He pulled me into his chest; I quickly pulled away. "No, Carter. I didn't do anything." I started to peel the bandage to show him the bite mark, but he quietly shushed me.

"I don't want to fight, Halo. I love you so much." He slowly fell back onto the bed with me on top of him, his hands wrapped around me lightly.

"I love-" I trailed off as I saw a figure in the shadows, I rubbed my tired eyes and when I looked again there was nothing.

I love Niall. I wish I could just say it.

Then say it

I stilled and widened my eyes, looking at Carter. "Did you just say something?"

"I said I love you- are you okay?" He touched my forehead with his hand.

"You don't have a fever, but you look weird." He leaned closer to me and inspected my face, he stopped, and after a while of just plainly staring at me he leaned closer and I felt his lips rest on mine. He moved his lips in hazy circles, his tongue tracing my bottom lip. His hands running up and down my bare legs, as he tried to pull the blanket out from under him to cover us.

I tried to push him away. "Carter, I can't-" his lips met mine again, they felt cold and sloppy. "- it's too soon."

He stopped and took a breath. "You're going to have to move on sooner or later."

I glared at him in the dark. "It's only been a week, I'm exhausted. I can't just move on, right now I don't think I'll ever be able to, okay?" I felt tears well up in my dark green eyes.

"You'll be okay, I promise." I felt his chest move up and down with every breath he took. He's alive- Niall should be too.

"How can you make promises like that, I will never be okay." I sucked back a sob.

"Don't be so dramatic, Halo."

"Oh, okay Carter. I won't be dramatic, I just killed one of my best friends, totally normal." This time, I felt the tears escape and fall onto Carter's sweatshirt.

"Yeah."

I stared at him shocked. "What?"

"Well, you did kill him."

"You're my boyfriend, you're supposed to comfort me, asshole." I growled, my chest feeling heavy.

"I can't change what you did." His fingers picked at the hem of my shorts nervously.

"Get out." I detached myself away from him, and pointed at my door. I know I killed him, I just didn't want to hear it from him- my heart hurt.

"What?" This time he was staring at me shocked.

"Get the fuck out of my room, Carter. I need to get some sleep, I'm tired." I rubbed my heavy eyes.

"Oh, okay." He got up and hugged me for what felt like hours.

"Bye, Halo. I love you." He stepped back and walked to the door, turning around expectantly for my answer.

"See you later, Carter." I fell back onto my bed, the blankets embracing my sleepy figure.

"Bye." I heard his footsteps, and a few minutes later I heard distant cusses as he made his way down the tree.

☾

A few hours later I was still awake, the time was three a.m.

I was staring at a patch of moonlight on my wall opposite my window. Every few minutes the wind would rattle the house and I would see the shadow of the branches on my sister's tree flicker into the patch of moonlight I was fixated on.

Just as an unexpected rush of wind shook the house, this gust stronger than all of the ones before, I saw the shadows of leaves and twigs fly past the moonlight on my wall, I saw another shape in the corner of moonlight.

The taste of the ocean fludded my mouth, and I smelt snickerdoodle cookies. The shadow moved to a standing position, directly in front of my bed- in front of me.

He doesn't deserve you

I slowly grabbed my blankets, and put them over my head, my frame shaking with fear.

It'll be okay eventually

I clenched the blankets tighter, and then I gradually stopped shaking. I wasn't scared, I was probably dreaming, either that or I had gone crazy.

Niall?

I'm sorry I killed you.

I'm not dead