Welcome to L.A.

It's time to move on

As she catches my gaze, I'm stuck in her game. I can't escape.

"Of course, you can't avoid talking about it, uh?"

"What's wrong? He seems nice.... well, at least, better than Natrel..."

"Oh gosh! Tell me about it!"

Natrel is a lovely nickname for my first big crush back in high school in Montreal. Mads and I were sharing the same problem: being too lame to date the "cool" kids. As a way to have a little bit of fun, we used to name our "wonderful" teammates by crazy nicknames. What was awesome about it was how secret our conversations were. We were talking in codes in their face and, sometimes, laughing at them and the best part was that no one ever knew about it. The names Mads was giving them were, usually, linked to the original ones or the personality of the boys, but so weirdly that it became Natrel, César, Panda, etc. and I'm not making fun of anyone when I'm saying all this. But let's just say that this guy deserved one from her more than anyone. If only everyone knew...

"Earth to Mili, hello? Please come back to me!"

"Oh, yeah, I'm here. What were you saying?"

"I was trying to say that you must be thinking about it a lot since you still have his number in your hand, but I don't think that's what you were really thinking of, right?" She really knows me more than anyone. I can't hide.

"I just... I just don't believe in love at first sight, okay? That's all. I don't want to be trouble in paradise for him even though he's cute and charming and that not every guy is a jerk like..."

"Tsut, tsut, tsut!" She places her hand on my mouth. "Don't ever say his name again. I know, I know I'm the one who brought him back. I'm sorry, save your breath, but I still think that your problem isn't about love. It's about you. Don't you ever think about the fact that, maybe, what you're studying isn't just in a book to be in a book? You've been studying love, right? You know how great it is, but also studied the illusions and the threats it occurs. You are aware of everything. Why don't you close your books and experience more than Spin the bottle or a meaningless kiss in a night club for once? Take some chances, give the guys a chance. Mili, please, I know you've been feelling lonely for a long, long time, so please try to at least give love a try."

She... She hit me exactly where it hurts. Love. What is love? According to my books, it exists. I've just never had a chance to prove it to myself. I'm rational. I don't believe in cheesy love stories. The ones that might be cute, but last less than three hours? The ones who are being told in billion different ways, but all finish with "happily ever after"? But what's up with the ones you left behind these? The friend next to the protagonist at the show, the older sister who could have been falling in love too, the other neighbor whose window doesn't end up with showing any love interest... What's happening when you aren't the beautiful girl taking breaths away everywhere she goes? I'm sick of all this and when you've been humiliated for four years, because of love, you don't have much faith in romance anymore. You can't fall in love because you want to. We aren't living in Boris Vian's world. We aren't in a love song or in a Shakespeare masterpiece. We are just dealing with reality.

"You know what, never mind what I just said. I'm pretty sure that you didn't bother listening."

"I listened, Mads, I did. I just don't think I'm ready."

"Oh, you are. You just need to stop telling yourself that you aren't pretty enough, girl, look at you! You are the most caring person I've ever known. Your personality blows away all the others. Your smile, even your happiness, is contagious! Do you remember what I told you on our last day of high school?" I just need to nod and don't bother talking. "Good. You need to. It's important. I told you that I was so grateful to be your best friend because of all the things you've done for me, all the things you should've done for yourself instead of how much you stood by me. I told you that the reason why everyone wants to be a friend of yours, once they've met you, is that you are an incredible person who always wants to hug and be present to make others happy. That's what I said I would miss the most once you'll be gone and that's why you got this number on your first day here. There is just something about you, Amélie, that makes everyone feeling better when you are near. Why don't you see it?! Why do you always need someone else to tell you that? Natrel was a dumb thirteen year old boy who wanted to stay golden. His vision of gold isn't mine though... He wasn't worthy of you. And he'll never be. Now, it's time to go there and stop hiding behind your past. If you don't want to do it for love nor yourself... then just do it for me." Here we are again in the parking lot. She's waiting for me to answer, to make a move. I wish I could do it all at once, but I can't.