Welcome to L.A.

The last goodbye

Have you ever felt like you were on another planet? That your soul has left your body and left you there, looking dead, in the wild world? You're fixing something. A window, a wall, the ceiling. And nothing moves in your head. You feel like time has stopped and that you're dying inside, but you're not. What brings you back to Earth is the music that you can still hear in the background of your thoughts or the touch of somebody else's skin on yours. When you wake up, time has flown, but you would've said it went backward.

Dan is in emotional crisis. Surrounded by my arms, he can't barely sit straight by himself. I know he can't. I feel it. These emotions and this sadness, I've seen them before. Seen and felt. I know I over think too much, but, for the first time, there's nothing else on my mind. I whipped his last tears ages ago, but he's still crying inside. He's facing the wall and, sometimes, holding me thigh. To me, it's déjà vu. I was crying in Maddy's arms, on her shoulder. Nothing could make me feel better than the touch of her skin on mine. I wasn't alone anymore. I'm back to where I was when I was depressed five years ago. Only, this time, I'm the shoulder and the opened arms. Every thought that I had back then is back to haunt me. I can't push them away, but I can ignore them like I always do. He needs happiness around him and he deserves it.

Emotions are impossible to control. You know where they came from, why you have them, but brains have never told us how they're controlled. It occurs, sometimes, that I feel depressed when I'm around someone in need for help, but something in me makes me forget about these dark thoughts and past when I become the listener. It's weird. Weird and inexplicable, but it happens. Somehow, I'm the most happy when I focus on somebody else's issues. That's why I can support him in my arms right now. I'm not necessarily in better shape than he is, but I always think that other's happiness makes mine every day.

When he tried to let go all his demons, he couldn't. It takes time and trust. I made him turn, so he could lie down on me. Unconsciously, my arms came back around him and he grabbed my elbows by crossing his arms. Eyes closed, he's, now, breathing again. Heavily, but still. For some people, silence is awkward, but not for me. With years, I learned, that being silent means way more than you think. You shall not disturb someone silent. Thoughts can either be battling in his head or trying to escape the battlefield. He can be in peace and enjoying my presence or trying to find the words to explain what he feels inside.

"I feel like a stranger." For Dan, it's the second option. "I've lived here all my life and I still don't feel like I'm at home since... she's... gone and he... left."

He's silent again. I'm waiting for him to talk again when he'll be ready to. Now that I'm focusing on his problems and mines have lost their way in my mind, time doesn't fly as much as it used to. It's longer. In silence. It's longer, but it doesn't matter.

Without a word, he tries to free himself. I let him sit next to me. Sideways, he can see my worried, but peaceful face.

"Do you..." Know about his past?

"I do. He told me." He breaths slowly, relived.

"Everything?"

"What he could say, but you're free to add some details if you feel like it." He smiles happily for the first time since I found him here.

"In so many years, it's the first time that Ash finds me the one I hoped to see to listen twice to... our past. When I saw you for the first time, I immediately hoped that I'd be able to share a relation built on trust with you. You looked like an emphatic and easygoing woman that could listen to the world's problem without complaining." Wait, what?

"You did?!" I'm surprised that he saw all that in me...

"I did. When you entered with Maddy, you were looking at her as if your whole soul was dedicated to her. I think that you needed her, though, but it was still something unforgettable. Our meeting was a gift from heaven as well  because you understood me and thank me when She didn't."