Literature

opium

"Babe, are you still awake?" Beb.

"Yeah," I whisper. "I can't fall asleep. We need to go to bed though. It's late." I kiss his forehead and he lets out an exasperated sigh.

"I have nightmares. I'm fucking twenty-four Harry, it's pathetic."

"Hey," I murmur. "It's okay. Want to talk about it?"

He shakes his head, his teeth digging into his bottom lip.

"I love you." My finger traces his lip, grazing over the indentions his teeth made. "Your lip is going to bleed Zayn."

And I kiss him softly, our lips barely touching. They're just skimming, reveling in the beautiful idea that they were made to be together. My tongue darts out, capturing his sweet taste, feeling the texture of his lip and the dip of his cupid's bow.

I try to savor the kiss, my tounge trailing over his when his mouth parts for me. My fingers get lost in his soft watermelon seed hair.

When our lips disconnect our eyes meet and tell a story.

His soft honey colored irises say I love you too

The whites of his eyes say trust me, I want to tell you

His black pupils send a more ominous message. I'm afraid you won't want to know what haunts me at night

My emerald eyes echo back it's okay to be scared, I won't make you tell me

The whites of my eyes say but if you want to you can, you know I would never hurt you

And the little black dots say I have secrets too

He blinks slowly, his long lashes fluttering and everything has changed.

Let's spill our secrets in the solace of the dark. Skin touching skin, hearts beating as one, shedding light on the darkest parts of our souls, casting out demons.

So my eyes reply I'll go first.

"I'm not sure if I was using Sam or she was using me but I didn't care. We just mindlessly fucked."

"Harry-"

"No Zayn, I wanted to feel something but I was just numb. I thought getting drunk in stranger's houses and body shots would make me feel alive. Stupid games of spin the bottle and never have I ever but it didn't do it for me. God, I didn't even care about your class...such a fucking loser."

"Hey, don't talk that way," his fingers brush through the tangles in my curls. "My dad was extremely unnerved when I told him I was gay and I wanted his acceptance. I was really depressed so Mason and I fooled around a lot and got into drugs. We were just doing things for the thrill. I was addicted to Adderall," he admits.

"Did you just take it for fun or to treat something?"

"ADHD," he sighs. "I've never told anyone about this but it felt so euphoric and it increased my sex drive so I didn't think anything of it. Then I got into other drugs and things spiraled out of control. I was always paranoid and I started having hallucinations. Mason threatened to leave so I suffered from insomnia and my appetite decreased so I lost a lot of weight."

"You're blaming yourself for Mason cheating on you?"

"I don't know Harry," he groans. "Maybe."

"Do you still have feelings for him?"

"No, hell no. Don't be worried about that babe," he strokes my cheek so I let the absurd thought slip from my mind. "I just made a lot of mistakes when we were dating."

"That isn't an excuse for him to cheat. He should have helped you. I would do anything for you. He just abandoned you when you needed him most."

That's what people do, my mind chides. But my heart doesn't listen.

"Then I guess he never truly loved me and it was for the better."

he's too
full of life
to be half loved

being with
a boy
who couldn't
find beauty
in the ugliest
parts of him
was just
an exquisite
form
of self
destruction

the medicine
was just
a crutch
to help him
stand
on bitter lies
and broken
promises

thoughts
can be
as dangerous
as blades,
words
as potent
as poison

warm sheets
and unfeeling
lips,
cold smoke
seeping
out of
colder throats

lie to me
again
he asked
to which
he replied
"i love you"

please
help me;
fix me,
he begged

i'm broken.

where
are you
going
so late
at night
when
my vision
is blurred
with tears
and my
mind
is blank

"nowhere"
"i love you"
"i love-"

please,
he pleaded
these pills
are
my only friend

you hate me
everyone
hates me
the world
hates me
it's malevolent,
mocking
my pain
and laughing
out of
spite

hot tears
and trashing
on the bed,
this isn't love
he yelled
this isn't life
he screamed
but he didn't
listen

nobody
ever
listens

"Tell me about lyrics from your favorite songs and why you're closer to your mum than your dad. Tell me about pages in books you have dog-eared and their well worn spines. Tell me anything. Tell me everything. Just please let me be the one," I breathe.

"You are."

I'm delirious, my head spinning as he leans in, brushing hair out of my face, his lips capturing mine.

Opium.

So addictive my heart is thudding loud, pounding in my eardrums and my mind is hazy. A rush courses through my veins like I'm being injected. My cheeks grow warm; my skin flushing.

stealing
me away
with his eyes,
his mouth,
staring at me
with
the lights out

i was
kissing strangers
in the night
just to feel
something
just to feel
something

t o u c h
m e
t h e r e

oooohhh
ooohhh
oohhh
ohh
op
opi
opiu
opium

just to feel something

i don't need it
i don't need
i don't

just to feel something

"Harry," he moans into my mouth, warm air hitting the back of my throat.

"When you are so broken and he has left you, do not question whether you were enough, the problem was you were so enough he was not able to carry it."

"Rupi Kaur," he licks his lips and presses his forehead to mine. "You know, I used to bite my tongue and torch my dreams."

I give him a confused look and he chuckles, kissing the tip of my nose.

"Now you bite my tongue and you are my dream."