Literature

Epilogue: how stars burn out

The corners of my eyes sting from all the tears. Nothing could stop the rain now. A steady downpour, I stare at my blank laptop screen. Soft piano music is playing over the speakers. It's a sad, heavy melody and I feel each note sink deep inside my chest.

I've returned to my favorite spot, a small table by the window. It's so bleak outside that the sidewalks are actually less crowded. Only a few taxis dash by. Distorted taillights, an eerie red glow reflected in the pools of rain.

I close my eyes and for a moment his arms are around me in a tight embrace. There's the warmth of his breath on my skin. Just barely there. He taught me so many things but he learned to love the rain because of me. It didn't matter to him anyway (the dark clouds and dreariness), he said wherever I went, light was sure to follow. His own personal ray of sunshine. I smile fondly at the memory and tuck away my temporary hurt.

Maybe I should tell him what I wrote about, how he's always been my inspiration...how I haven't written a single poem since. My muse is gone.

My laptop boots up and I reluctantly check my email. I just refresh and stare dumbly at the screen until my vision feels distorted. I'm two seconds from logging out and powering my computer off when a notification sounds. Ding. I scramble to mute my speaker, see it in my inbox.

Subject line: congratulations

I was expecting a phone call the entire day and here it is...an email! My cursor hovers over open and I click, everything inside me deflating when it loads.

$500 Amazon gift card. Click to win now!

"How was that not flagged for spam," I ask through gritted teeth. "Fuck my life."

Blurred city lights. Streaks of color in the bleak chill of the rain. I pick at my muffin, stomach growling because my attitude resulted in me passing up on a very delicious dinner. I owe Loren an apology but for now, I just want to be alone.

Alone in my thoughts and wondering what I'm still doing here. I'm having an existential crisis. Okay, so my life isn't meaningless but searching for my current purpose has proved to be a lot harder than I thought. It used to be so simple. Without a seed of doubt, it was always him. Seeing his smile and making him laugh and not feeling utterly lost. Maybe my feet have wandered but my heart knows its place. Same destination.

I heave out a sigh and close my laptop. My soul feels so empty I can't explain it...like someone vacuumed an entire part of me, sucked out everything that completed Harry.

This is what I wanted for awhile. A sense of normality and remembering at my own pace without carrying guilt. Something about staying with Zayn would have felt so heavy. Seeing those sad eyes. Not that he pitied me, they were solemn because he was losing a huge part of his life. Me.

A flickering star, one left barely shining. One that was once luminescent and brighter than the rest of the stars in the sky combined, fighting not to fizzle and burn out to entirely disappear.

Blend into your dark surroundings. If you allow yourself to become dull, to lose your glow how many people will notice? There a million of stars in the sky. What's losing one?

The biggest and the brightest?

I feel a tear slip down my cheek. My stomach rumbles again so I take a bite of my banana nut muffin, munch quietly in hopes that it will make me feel better temporarily.

Oh how tragic.
how beautifully tragic
that stars let go of the light they carry inside
giving out like worn hearts,
scattered light beams
losing that youthful spark
like tired bones and bent spines
and bodies too heavy to carry
the weight of this world
losing their life
their shine
that brightness that once guided so many

Soon there's nothing left of the muffin but meager crumbs and my hunger is far from satisfied. I save the random draft. How rusty I've become. My art, my passion for poetry.

The first thing I've dared to write since his face vanished from my vision. My first true venture back into symbolism and motifs and all things Mr. Malik's literature lessons.

What I would give to turn back time, to be doodling at that desk again from the back of the room, his gaze fixated on me. For just a brief moment. I could always feel it. Burning in my cheeks before I dared to return a glance.

You know that feeling. When you're certain someone's eyes have found you and you're grappling to breathe. Not an uncomfortable stare. One where your heart is conflicted and you know there's a chance that you both feel something for each other. That possibility has crossed your mind a thousand times but the fragility of it all makes it so hard-

What if you slip up? Say the wrong thing? What if they really don't feel the same way and you put yourself out there and come up empty? End up embarrassed?

But no. Zayn would never do that. He was so careful with his words and with his feelings. He'd never lead you astray. He simply felt what he felt and expressed it so clearly.

He'd never toy with your emotions or play with your heart. The star that shone the softest light.

I can't see stars from the city. It's just brick walls and tops of skyscrapers and wondering if he ever looks to the sky and thinks of us.

Maybe I'll just ask him casually next time he calls. Do you still have a thing for the stars? Do you still chase the brightest one?

There's a real smile on my face now and my tears have long since dried. This isn't forever. New York City. I'm a budding author but I can be that anywhere.

How do you break news like that? Hey, you know I was just casually thinking about life and how I might pick mine up and move it, to be close to you.

What would he say? A heaviness hangs over me. The gloomy storm clouds are set in and the pitter patter pattern of the rain lulls me. I'm dozing. Half awake, half asleep.

Can you move the stars?