Leaving All I've Ever Known (Camren)

6. Rich And Famous

"So, should I do it?"

Megan and I were sat in my apartments spacious living room, accompanied by Roger who's pacing between us.

I stare out the window and look at the familiarity of my home state which I got back to from LA at 11AM this morning. I wasn't surprised when Roger immediately called me up and saying he already wants to discuss how we're going to respond to the news.
From the letter Dinah gave me, I was aware my manager, team and label knew about the proposed Fifth Harmony reunion. I just didn't know if my manager, Roger, thought it was a good or bad idea.

"I know what we should do. But what do you want to do?"

I've been juggling between if I should go for it or not all day and I still can't decide. "... I'm not sure what I want to do yet Roger."

Like any other major, possibly life changing, decision, there are positives and negatives to both sides.

The positives.
It's a once in a lifetime opportunity. Performing at the Grammy's isn't just something any person gets to do. It's been my dream, as well as the rest of the girls' dream, for a long time.
I'll be on stage with my friends again. Just as much as I did on my first year of being solo, I miss having them with me when I perform.
It's the proper goodbye harmonizers deserved. This is probably the strongest point I have for saying yes. Everyday on Twitter, Instagram and Tumblr, I see loyal fans support me and love me. Ones who still have all 5 members of Fifth Harmony as icons and who's url's still say ot5 on them - it's a small, almost insignificant thing for some to notice, but it warms my heart. Even after leaving the band 2 years ago, to it ceasing to exist 9 months ago, they still support Ally, Dinah, Normani, Lauren and I. They are the ones who deserve this reunion the most.

And now, the negatives.
The media. Boy will they go crazy if we decide to do this. I can't begin to imagine the gossip, rumours, fake stories that will be made up about us. I can see it, everything from 'Fifth Harmony stealing Destiny's Child reunion idea?' to 'Fifth Harmony who?' and even to 'Let the shipping commence!'.
Working together. Will we even know how to work as a group anymore? Will our voices remember how to harmonize? Will we still have that same chemistry and relationship onstage? It'll be even harder for me to do due to how long I've been out of the group.
And this is probably the strongest point I have for saying no to doing this. Lauren. I haven't forgiven her. I never wanted to see her ever again. She put me through the worst pain I'd ever felt.
The first time we broke up was because of Austin and our PR relationship. The second time was when I was starting to show signs I wanted to leave Fifth Harmony. The third time (and I count it as a break-up) hurt more than the rest, Lauren left me. It felt more like a betrayal.

If we're all committing to this and really working together again, I don't want a repeat of Winterstage 2017, the second time I made a mistake in trusting her.

*******

flashback

January 2018

*******

Lines of black ink vigorously scrawl against the paper, almost tearing the journal I vent to.

My hand nor my brain controls what's being written anymore. It's all raw, I don't have to think about it because it's the only thing I've been thinking about.

I can hardly write anything worth keeping and it all has to do with her. Every sentence, by fate, mentions her. Every metaphor describe her. Every L I write reminds me of her name. She's like scar tissue, a reminder even in the things I love doing, that she broke me.

Scribbles on top of scribbles erase the words I'd written prior. It makes it almost impossible to legibly read what's on the page. I cross out almost everything I write down.